Out of burrow message - At concert

(Dictated by Rabbit to a member of his staff)

Sorry Rabbit readers - very excited to be going out to an Elton Dog concert in Battersea; Neville managed to blag a couple of tickets from his promotor chum, and his date dropped out at the last moment. As so often happens, tragedy strikes those around Neville again: She got viciously savaged by a ferret in the foie gras aisle in Waitrose and is recuperating in her burrow. They think the tail might grow back... So sad.

Still, her loss my gain..

Normal service resumes tomorrow. Probably.

(o;3

Conspiracy theorists miss one last piece of evidence in moon landing story

Cape Canaveral: Science Correspondent Frank DeNile II

Top officials at the NASA space centre were forced to come clean this weekend when shocking new pictures from the moon landing program came to light.

For decades, sad, lonely conspiracy theorists have been glued to their pc monitors, desperately searching for any hint of a trace of evidence that man never actually went to the moon. Criticisms that the pictures were too good, too well lit, or had an errant Snickers bar wrapper on the floor in one of them, were widely dismissed by the rest of humanity – and those peddling them told to “go and get a life, or a puppy or something.”

But now, NASA have been forced to reveal Rabbit NASA – codenamed ‘Project 9’– a major program that ran simultaneously with human training. Elite Bunnies were selected from the Armed Forces and trained relentlessly to pursue their mission goal: “To boldly go where there may be carrots.”

NASA had their hand forced by photographs, independently assessed by people who know about these kinds of things, who verified their authenticity and expressed themselves “gobsmacked” by their content. The unedited version of one famous photo clearly shows the “Pressurized ear protection capsules” from the Astrorodent suit – previously airbrushed out to make the suit wearer appear more humanoid.

Spokesman Dr Hugh Kidme confirmed the historic news at a press conference held in a burrow near the space centre on Sunday morning; “NASA is in a position to confirm that rodents did make it to the moon before humans on May 12th 1969. So in effect there was a ‘small hop’ on the moon five weeks before the first step.”

The identity of the Bunny that took on the final frontier is not being revealed; “We tried to track down the Rabbit in the photo, and although we haven’t been able to confirm it, it seems he may well have been run over in 1972 by a Hippy on weed, driving a Chevrolet pick-up truck. We lost a lot of Astrorodents like that.”

Plans to erect a permanent memorial to the unnamed hero are being considered by Rabbit NASA and as a tribute a Rabbit in a rocket pack will jet into the centre of the pitch during the first ad-break of next years Superbowl.

Rabbit says: I’m not one to crow, but rumour has it Rabbits have beaten humans to many major achievements, such as climbing Everest, eating 3 Shredded Wheat, and first non-stop circumnavigation of Rosanne Barr without a safety net.

Sunday Smut: Hollywood dog-star’s sordid past uncovered

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The streets of Doggywood drip with hot gossip today, as a shocking proof reel unearthed from a kinky collectors private stash floats to the surface like the bloated corpse of a ruined career.

Dog legend Classie, famous for such wholesome classics as “Classie Saves the Fluffy Kittens”, “Classie Burns Down the Temple of Set” and “Classie Uncovers Systematic and Persistent Corporate Fraud by Senior Executives at Enron” has been exposed as having filmed a short feature which exposes her as more of a doggy-stylist than ever thought before.

“Classie Does Dallas”, a feature pre-dating her commercial successes, shows the disgraced canine touring Texas and hitting several hot-spots in an X-rated rumble that would make her legions of fans gasp in shock. In scenes too explicit to describe, Classie meets a burly Swedish Alsatian by a fire hydrant, and stokes the flames of passion to a Motown soundtrack. Others see her dressing up as a kennel-maid and making out with a mongrel on a damp mattress, throwing wet lettuce at a Schnauzer in a disused bowling alley, and shaving a badger on a grassy knoll.

Human carer Spud Heathermax released a statement to the press saying, “Classie wants it to be known that these low-budget features were filmed at a time when she was struggling to establish herself in the industry. She considers herself a victim of the casting dog-bed phenomenon that was prevalent at that time, when self-sacrifice was often the only way to get ahead. She was poor, hungry, and did it for the bones.”

Classie has gone to ground, but a plethora of wicked websites have sprung up offering dodgy-downloads in exchange for punters rampant readies, so this is a controversy that is unlikely to die down any time soon.

Rabbit says: Doggywood is a place where your past can come back to bite you, and you can be a primo-pooch one day, a dog’s-dinner the next. It’s disgusting and exploitative. Don’t you dare go and download it: Wait for the DVD – it’ll be much better quality.

Out of Burrow Message - At the flicks

(Dictated by Rabbit to a member of his staff)

Bunny followers; Hey, it's Saturday - you can't expect me to be in..

I have a hot date with a little bunny-ette - we're off to the movies and see the latest from Dolt Pisney's studio. According to Neville it's as "funny as Herpes".

Can't say I've seen that film - it must be foreign cinema or some rubbish like that.

I'll let you know..

(o;3

Animal charity under threat from neo-con reactionaries

Newcastle, UK: Reporter Gisele Gazelle

A long running animal charity based in Newcastle is under imminent threat of closure as a three year long campaign of deranged ranting by the neo-conservative "Just Stop Doing Everything Now" pressure group escalates.

Animal Relate, a charitable organization, offers counselling and support for ostracised interspecies relationships, and has championed the cause of equal rights for odd couples throughout the northeast.

Spokesman Duncan Duckhugger explains, "These individuals have been picketing our premises, barracking our clients and fly-posting disturbing images in vets surgeries since 2004. They just don't seem to understand that love doesn't conform to species boundaries. A fox can love a giraffe, a cat can love a chicken. Anything goes really - and they don't always eat each other."

Such a pair are Tiddles and Roscoe - a Moggy and a Bulldog who were thrown together by their human carer 18 months ago. "At first I hissed and spit at him" says Tiddles, "but as I got to know him his bad breath and constant drooling seemed less important. I see the beautiful being under all the hair and mange. I do wish he'd stop licking his nuts though."

Roscoe was being taken for walkies and unavailable for comment.

"It violates the rule of nature" says Curt Squeezy, PR spokesman for the pressure group, "and we have employed entirely legal means to put our point across. That, together with the lynch mobs and petrol bombs - it's been highly effective."

He continues, "We will not rest until Dog lies with Bitch, Tom lies with Cat, and Brad and Jennifer get back together. It's how it should be."

The charity have approached the local Animal Court for a restraining order against the pressure group, but are pessimistic about the chances of success; "It's being heard by some bloke called Squeezy - and he's quite tough apparently."


Rabbit says: Nothing against this - but I just go for hot Bunny crumpet. At a push I wouldn't rule out a quinea pig though, if my current love life drought continues...

Rodent Wimbledon confirms introduction of HawkEye technology

Sport: Reporter Euphemia Forklift

The All England Rodent Tennis Association has confirmed that for the first time since the inception of the Rodent Wimbledon tournament, competitors will be able to refer disputed calls for arbitration to HawkEye.

This came as a complete surprise for the aging former M*A*S*H star Alan Alda, who has been a bit light on regular work since West Wing went a bit crap. He has got himself a new pair of glasses, a loudhailer, and has been practising saying ‘BEEP’ loudly, ready for the event.

“I was surprised when my agent told me - I had no idea Hawkeye was so popular in the tennis fraternity”, said the Hollywood personality, speaking from his home in the Hamptons, “I’d be right over to London to shake paws with the organizers, but I’m snowed-under right now doing the voice of Captain Cheese in the new PizzaShed advert.”

First indications are that it will not be a straightforward transition for the actor: At a low level RTA tournament at Long Beach he narrowly avoided being arrested after inadvertently stepping onto the court, squashing one of the ball-voles during a particularly long rally; “I apologised to the family, gave them some nuts, and a Woody Allen DVD. Oddly enough that seemed to make things worse..” he defends.

Organizers are hoping that Alda’s well rehearsed anti-war sentiments will help quell the fiery temper of John MacEnrat, famous for taking major strops, and pushing recalcitrant Umpires chairs over when annoyed.

“Some have suggested that this is a cynical ploy to increase exposure for our tournament, and they’re right.”, said Humphrey StickPritt-PrittStick, tournament director, “Human Wimbledon have electronic things that go ‘beep’ and we wanted that too, but Alan Alda was cheaper and makes much the same noise. Have you seen him in M*A*S*H?”

Rabbit says: The tournament kicks off at Wimbledon Sewage Works on 3rd July. Take a clothes peg for your nose.

(o;3

Out of burrow message - mercy mission

(Dictated by Bunny to a member of his staff)

Bunny fans - sorry to miss another day - I'm on a mercy dash to catch up with Reginald, an old hamster chum of mine. He was at a stage hypnosis spectacle at the Odeon in Hamstersmith - Marvo the Rat was looking for susceptible rodents in the audience, and guess who fit the bill?

Yes - Reginald. Never the brightest bulb in the chandelier, he was on the stage in an instant. After a couple of gimmicks (cooking with hair, break dancing to Spandau Ballet) Marvo convinced him he was a rabbit.

Tragically, Reggie's brain was by now full, and there may have been a short-circuit.

There have been some... ...side effects (see picture).

So - do excuse me. A Rabbit's friends are like the pages of Reginald's old Playhamster magazines.

Inseparable.

(o;3

Out of burrow message

Rabbit is out of the burrow, at the Rabbit Vegetable Society's Carrot Show in Chelsea.

Yum-yum..

(o;3

Cows vs. Sheep Campaign escalates

Surrey, UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

Salvos were exchanged again over the weekend, as the ongoing Cow and Sheep battle for the hearts, minds and stomachs of the carnivorous population took on a new dimension.

As the Cow Protection League published their latest billboards, ace ad-house Baatchi & Baatchi unveiled the first part of a counter-campaign in an attempt to foil the moderately successful “Eat more Sheep” advertisements that have been blanketing the animal media.

“It’s incredible that the cows have been able to get away with this for so long”, complained Reece Fleece, PR ram for the Hug a Sheep Campaign, “and we intend a long hot summer of high-level activism with supporters such as Larry the Lamb, Lambchop, and that ewe that’s chewing the cud in the background on the Antiques Roadshow titles.”

The Cow Protection League spokesman “Rusty” Ribeye Fetlock, was reserved when asked for a comment; “We are aware of this campaign, and will be taking legal advice about the tactics they are employing. It could be pretty short lived – a case of ram-bam thank you lamb.”. He then dissolved into fits of moo-y laughter.

Leaked documents from the radical wing of the Hug a Sheep Campaign suggest frank violence is not out of the question. Plans for explosive cattle grids, souped up electric fences capable of inducing cardiac arrest, and milking machines powerful enough to suck up an entire cow by the udders have been recovered.

FACAS (the Farmyard Animal Conciliation and Arbitration Service) have made initial approaches to the two pressure groups, hoping to broker a truce. They were told to “moo-off” by the only party to return their call. It is thought sheep have yet to evolve enough to operate telephones.

This one has legs. And udders. Lots of them.

Rabbit says: This has the possibility of tearing the countryside apart, even more than the Badger vs. Frog feud of 1987. It’s simply terrible. I’m offering odds of 3:1 on for the cows if you’re interested.

Rabbit Constabulary urge vigilance to Rural Rabbits

Reporter: Tobias Fuzzpaw

Fear stalks the burrows of the Boroughs today as it became apparent that an infamous serial con-artist was once again active, this time targeting unsuspecting rabbits.

Mr Tibs, a persistent feline felon has only recently been released from solitary confinement in a cattery in Newport following his most recent conviction for obtaining dairy products by deception. So well known in the cat community, Tibs has been obliged to change species in order to continue his life of crime.

His most recent ploy is to cunningly disguise himself as a rabbit and pose as a representative of the burrow planning department to check on unauthorised extensions to property. Targeting large, country burrows of well to do bunny types, he has so far managed to get away with premium organic carrots, vintage lettuce water and an array of priceless family heirlooms.

"We're bewildered. He was so convincing we had no idea", said Felicity Fencepost-Splat, a victim of the crime phenomenon, "He took the candelabra, the baby-bunny grand piano and my father. And we only had him stuffed last week."

Although hard to spot (picture above), rabbits are urged to report anything out of the ordinary such as rabbits that "meow", climb trees, or eat mice - to their local police. Vigilantes should not to approach Tibs directly however, as he is believed potentially dangerous.

Any information should be passed to the Interspecies Crimestoppers number 0900 FATCOPSHOP.

New front line weapon unveiled

London UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Hot on the heels of Prince Harry’s replacement, senior army personnel unveiled a new, controversial generation of potent weaponry to a packed press conference at the MOD today, and immediately came under fire (not literally) from animal welfare groups around the country.

“It’s taken around 20 years to blend an organism and high explosive into a useful weapon, but we’re confident that we have something of immense utility that will confuse the hell out of the enemy.”, said Captain Slaptin of the 2nd Battalion King’s Own Combs and Dental Floss, “Gentlemen, we have created the Bungrenade.”

At this point and in complete silence, an ashen faced private brought forth a small carry hutch containing a fist sized rabbit swathed in bubble-wrap.

“Primed by inserting a fuse through a handy aperture” – the rabbit’s eyes started watering at this point - “ they are simple to maintain and operate, and can be used in pretty much any terrain or combat arena, as long as the roads aren’t too bumpy.”

Such caveats are not unfounded: Earlier unstable strains of the animals tended to detonate when mating, and four rabbit farms have been vapourized during the program. Such “teething troubles” are reportedly solved now.

“We find the male rabbits are more potent – it’s a case of more bang for your bucks.” Slaptin joked weakly, to complete silence.

“This is an outrage”, said a masked activist, protesting outside, “we plan a campaign of protests, civil disobedience, and break-ins to breeding facilities with careful liberation of these poor unfortunate animals. Not too sure what we’ll do with them after that.. ..do you have any good ideas?”

Bungrenades are expected to enter active service in the next few months, and reinforced concrete hutches are currently being delivered to regiments across the country prior to conversion training.

Unconfirmed reports suggest there is an additional project looking at thermonuclear field mice.

Rabbit says: Einstein and Darwin would be horrified. I hear burrow prices have plummeted near army bases, and there have been incidents from drunken pub-hole brawls resulting in small towns being wiped off the map. This can't end well...

Regimental mascot steps into the limelight

Aldershot UK: Reporter Corny Cobb

Army chiefs handling the recent Prince Harry controversy have formulated an action plan to fill the gap in the regimental line-up left by his withdrawal. Rather than draft in a spare hand from another regiment, forces staff have handed the role to Rambun, the regimental Rabbit.

The furry forces specialist is undergoing a strenuous catch-up program to enable him run a mile and a half in ten minutes wearing full battle dress, a 90lb Bergen, assault rifle, clean hay for a carbohydrate boost, and isotonic fluid replacement in a rabbit drink bottle.

He stated; “I’m delighted to be able to serve my country and help out his Royalness in this way, and I’m glad to follow in the footsteps of such illustrious animal Army personnel as the Desert Rats, Jungle Gerbils and Forest Ferrets.”

After his first day of intensive training, senior officers were officially “Content” with his progress, but unconfirmed reports suggest that recoil from the gun was responsible for propelling Rambun around 20 feet down the rifle range. This, together with his mediocre aim resulted in seven bystanders being hospitalized by stray bullets and shrapnel.

An un-named officer present was asked if a herbivore would have the ability to kill; “I’ll say – he’s bloody lethal. There haven’t been more British soldiers wounded in one day since the Somme.”

Good luck to our boys, girls, and rabbits – and a word of advice: Make sure you’re standing behind him when his paw is on the trigger.

Serial rabbit thief sent to chokey

“Light-paws” McGraw, well known light fingered rabbit around these parts, has been sent to the local bunny nick for a 6 month stretch.

Caught red-handed snaffling cookies in a local coffee emporium (pictured), he was handcuffed by local police (who had to put them around his neck as his paws were too weeny-tiny) and charged at the local police station.

When the case came to court, McGraw asked for 207 other offences to be taken into consideration, including multiple counts of carrot-rustling, lettuce shredding and beetroot abuse. McGraw also admitted to pushing rabbit droppings up the exhaust pipe of a BMW X5, but the judge let him off this as he thought it “bloody good fun”.

Although the rabbit law community has embraced restorative justice, it was worked out that the costs and time involved in having McGraw apologise to all his victims would tie up the local constabulary for the next 3 years. As a compromise the owner of the coffee shop was allowed to make rude gestures at him for 15 minutes before he was led away to start his custodial sentence.

The price of crime is brutal around here.

STOP PRESS: McGraw has escaped from his medium security prison burrow by apparently tunnelling out. Strange that, for a rabbit..

(o:3

Rabbit Loves...

Rabbit says: "Tired of those yellow tombstones at the front of your mouth? When you talk to ladies, do you say hello and they say o-hell? Whiten your life with this safe* easily applied two step process that will leave you a better bunny, and increase your chances of a little bunny action.**"

* Side effects may include gum bleeding, metallic taste, enamel dissolution, brain haemorrhage and sudden death. Use in proximity to mucous membranes has been shown to result in deposition of product in soft, hard and squishy tissues. Not to be used in region of mouth. All purchases non-refundable. Best of luck and all that.

** The use of this product may or may not increase your chances of copping off with the opposite gender - or the same gender if that's what floats your carrot. You may still remain the sad, desperate verminous animal you were in the first place. Sometimes life can be a bitch, and no overpriced toxic cosmetic product can change that. Tough.

Annual EuroRodent competition ends in farce

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The 22nd annual EuroRodent song contest degenerated into farce in the luxurious Slough Travel-Grim Hotel, Leisure Complex and Chip Shop over the weekend, when the French delegation stormed out of the competition.

Philippe Pouff, a hard rocking vole and the Gallic entry, was let down by sound technicians and exposed as lip-synching when the song he was expecting (“Le vole est comme un tigre) was mistakenly substituted for “Ging Gang Goolie”, one of last years entries sung in Greek by a gerbil.

The stage was briefly invaded by irate French hamsters who tried to improvise a guillotine whilst chanting “Killez le Directeur!!” before being cleared from the stage by security rats..

With tactical voting by some of the minor states (with no taste in music but major gas pipeline interdependencies) the final result was in the balance until the end, when unexpectedly the French entry won. Uproar ensued and world war 3 broke out as 26 other countries invaded the stage in a frenzy of fur and blood.

As tear gas and water cannons were deployed the final titles played to a black screen.

Organizers look forward to the next festival of multicultural peace, understanding, and harmony which will take place in Paris in 12 months time.

Police cutbacks: Animal units feel the bite

London, UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Further cost constraints affecting public services were unveiled yesterday, with controversial new proposals to curb the spiralling costs of police animals.

“I don’t think the public understand the costs involved in good animal husbandry. The food, accommodation, training, vets fees, choccy drops – it all adds up”, said DCI Edgar Grope of the Slumberside Police Animal Squad; “We think that these proposals will free up resources with minimal impact.”

Recognizing the increasing costs of maintaining a mounted force in urban areas, DCI Grope unveiled proposals to allow the current fleet of horses to be “run-down” and recycled into a range of high-end, revenue-generating adhesive products. “It could be a bit of a money spinner.”, Grope explained.

In their place, the Slumberside force unveiled detailed plans to provide local constabularies with leased “lifelike faux-equine facsimile suits” (pictured right) for essential police work at football matches and protests, for the purposes of public control. “Leasing is highly cost effective, although we hear there may be limited supply due to a high number of previous bookings from November to the beginning of February. Negotiations are ongoing.”

“Oh no they’re not.”, heckled an unconvinced large hairy reporter with four hooves, from the back of the press conference.

Ignoring this, Grope also unveiled plans to streamline the canine force.

“Many people are not aware of the physical capabilities of rabbits. We’ve been testing an elite group of rabbits in drug detection, track-and-search, and attack and containment, and we’ve been very surprised by the results. They’re cheaper to run and can fit on your lap - so we don't need big vans.”

When challenged about how vicious such trained rabbit were, Grope defended the move; “They’re highly effective animals. They can be trained to go straight for the jugular or for soft, fleshy parts on command. They get a little confused with soft, fleshy jugulars, but these are teething problems that can be overcome”

We will monitor the story as it unfolds..

“Changing Burrows" show of shame likely to result in legal action

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

Producers of the BunBC makeover TV show Changing Burrows were taking legal advice yesterday as the fallout from their bungled makeover continued.

Grimditch housebunny Glenda Hopplethwaite has taken legal advice and is looking to recover the costs of putting right the damage done to her modest 2-up 2-down burrow near the civic recycling facility in the Lancashire mining town.

Glenda invited the makers of the hit show into her burrow, and swapped keys with estranged neighbour Missy Marple to perform a makeover on the living and dining areas.

What was a slightly dated but entirely usable family area, was converted by long-time show designer Larry Llewellyn-Bunny, into a rococo themed purple and black spa retreat, complete with plunge pools and mirrored ceiling. The intention, according to Llewellyn-Bunny was to be “classic and contemporary, like wearing leg-warmers during a game of Monopoly”.

No, we didn’t know what that meant either.

“It looked like the kind of place you might pick up a venereal disease from sitting down”, spits Hopplethwaite, “and if that puffed up designer is ever within range again I intend to remove any body parts that he could conceivably catch one with…”

The office of the show (currently being considered for a fifth series) gave a written statement: “We deeply regret the current situation, and sympathise with the upset that Ms Hopplethwaite has experienced. The BunBC accept no responsibility whatsoever, and if we ever find the designer in question we’ll be really cross with him. Promise.”

Llewellyn-Bunny was unavailable for comment, and the entrance to his neo-classical bunny retreat in Surrey was being guarded by two large bunnyguards.

If he wasn’t a rabbit, we’d call him a chicken.

(o:3

Disquiet on the farms and in the fields..

Surrey, UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

Shockwaves are rippling across the countryside today as a campaign by the Cow Protection League is unleashed upon an unsuspecting public.

Glossy, full page adverts (seen above) have been placed in multiple publications aimed at an array of species - Cowsmopolitan (click on the picture to enlarge), Gerbil's Journal, Shrew Review - and even human publications such as AutoTrader. Oddly.

Spokesman for the cow pressure group, "Ribeye" Rusty Fetlock complains, "For too long cows have been oppressed, and it's time we took the lead. Our previous campaign - 'Eat less Cow' had a minimal impact on consumption, so we thought we'd re-brand it."

He continues; "Cows dream of more than grass and farting - we have hopes, dreams.. ..um.. ..indigestion.. ...and dreams. Our aim is to have a cow live long enough to do something useful, and win a Nobel prize."

First impressions would suggest that sheep groups (otherwise known as flocks) appear to be oblivious. Flossy, chewing quietly on some hay in a nearby field looked unimpressed. "Baa", she said, before urinating.

Dig a little deeper and it is apparent that this is a campaign unlikely to be free of controversy, and prominent media houses have already been approached by radical breakaway flocks seeking to redress the balance.

This could get ugly.

Good show.

(o;3

What to Wear - Etiquette pt. 2

Rabbit Etiquette Part 2: The Outfit

Continuing our etiquette trip, we move on to what to wear for your society occasions.

There is only one place to go for outfits when you’re an animal of distinction – Pugsley’s in Dulcimer Row, W1. They have a quality selection of ready-to-wear bear-wear, soft and sheer deer-gear – but they are most famous for their made to measure evening suits.

These are seriously expensive, so you could always try the charity shop around the corner. I once picked up a slightly used Vers-hutch-y jacket there. It’s beautifully made but admittedly I’ll need to lose a few grams. And I’m sure threadbare orange gingham will come back into fashion soon.

Luckily for the Rabbit-about-Town who is high on class but short on brass, the upper echelons of bunny social class are tolerant of clothesless-ness. But there are a number of essential things to consider;

1. Hair should be clean and straw free
2. Ears should be parted down the middle
3. Nails should be clipped and filed, with cuticles under control
4. Furballs should be expelled in advance of the event
5. A bow-tie for the Bucks, and a bloom for the Does
6. No tattoos or Bunberrys pattern fabric – too trailerpark.

Do not try what Neville did last year – at a prominent burrow-warming he thought he would be humourous and arrive in fancy dress. Tragically for Neville – who is a fairly portly Bunny – the only costume that would fit him was that of a sleek, red fox. The somewhat startled guests grabbed the nearest available defence that they had, and stoned him relentlessly until he stopped moving, then went about him with a broom handle. We had a really good laugh about it at the animal hospital after he came out of the coma, recovered his memory, and the broken jaw and ribs healed.

Classic.

Anyway, more etiquette tips to follow.

Pressure Group Round on Sad Bunch of Idiots..

Establishment figures were reeling yesterday, as calls from prominent rabbits united to demand the strict regulation of clowns.

The trigger for this extraordinary disquiet was a meeting to discuss an incident that took place last month during a performance at Gyppo’s circus in Wigan. Buff the miniature lop, a member of the circus for several years, was mistaken for a soft toy by Flaccid Sid the Clown who playfully lobbed him to Wincey the lioness. In the resulting attack, Wincey was mauled severely by the diminutive rabbit, and Police took Buff into detention.

Following further enquiries and genetic testing, Buff was found to have elements of the outlawed “Pit Bull-type” dog DNA in his system. In accordance with the law his behavioural characteristics were profiled, and he was humanely fatally killed.

“This tragic chain of events need never have happened if proper checks had been performed on Sid”, raged Bunty Punter, leader of the coalition; “He has a consistent history of being an utter dimwit, and has been on the State Imbecile Rehabilitation Program since he skewered a wombat during a performance in Gwent. He should never have been performing.”

The demands of the group include full Bunny Police background checks to uncover any history of rabbit abuse, a complete ban on flowers that squirt water, cars that fall apart, and registration of face painting patterns to make clowns easily identified in the street, should they wander.

Challenged as to whether this infringes human rights, Ms Punter was unrepentant: “The rabbit population deserve to know when threats like this are in their neighbourhood, that’s RABBIT rights.”

Predictably, reaction from the clown fraternity has been frankly weird. Happy Max, spokesman for the clown association PRATS, commented “Whahey! Look at my spinning bow tie! I do kids parties too you know..”

Punter is a rabbit on a mission, and is unconcerned that she may spoil the “fun” for fans of the face-painted twerps.

“Funny?”, she scoffs, “They scared the pellets out of me when I was a kid. No, we need to carefully control them and where they want to change, offer them counselling and rehabilitation if they need it.”

No official comment was forthcoming; “We don’t normally give quotes to Rabbit Press, they tend to be mean and insulting to humans.” a fat, bald, patronizing spokesman sniffed.

Fine by us.

The Truth is Somewhere Down a Burrow..

(From the pages of todays Bunny Times)

On the Bunny Banks of Loch Lomond: Reporter Taffeta Catheter

Archived files obtained from the RAF base in Inverleakie have suggested a possible, shocking new reason for the recent spate of rabbit disappearances from the locality.

Morgan McWaterfountain worked hard to provide his family during the hardest of times and the harshest of winters. It was in January this year that he left to go carrot-napping at the local greengrocer, but after 24 (hungry) hours, it fell to his partner Agnes to raise the alarm. She was amazed.

"I was amazed", she says; "One minute he was there, the next - gone. There was so much snow we were worried he'd falled somewhere, so we got together a search team and went to look for him. We checked the pub-holes first, but couldn't find him anywhere. Vanished."

From the documents that came into our possession anonymously from the nearby RAF base, we show Agnes a photograph marked "Top Secret".

She points at the page; "His tracks? Are they?" We nod. "They just stop.. where could he have gone?"

It has been suggested that the strange disappearances have been due to Alien Bunny Abduction, who cruelly exploit the abductees to create horrific, bizarre hybrids for food. Or maybe just for the fun of it. We don't really know to be honest.

Evidence of this can be seen elsewhere in the Loch Lomond area, with some rabbits faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap on to the kitchen counter to get at the rabbit food - but allergic to glowing green rocks.

Others have more visible evidence of genetic manipulation.

The character pictured here is now in custody, having eaten his parents and 45 of his siblings. So there are risks.

Sadly for Agnes, Morgan did not return.

Which brings us to the alternative explanation.

Whilst Morgan returned half cut from the Pub-Hole (having traded the carrots for fermented lettuce juice) a ruddy great bird flew down, grabbed him, leaving feather marks in the snow, and flew off.

And then ate him.

Tough life being a rabbit..

Rabbit Etiquette: The invitation.

Well, we’re almost back into Rabbit Society time.. The garden (eating) parties, the cucumber sandwiches (although being rabbits we normally skip the bread) the small talk. The ladies. The loneliness… (*sigh*)

Anyway, I was thinking: “How can I help my fellow Rabbits? How can I leave a legacy that improves our lot and inspires us to better ourselves?”

Rabbit etiquette.

Ok – it’s not world peace or the everlasting carrot, but it avoids those embarrassing moments when you meet your hostess with grass around your mouth, or lettuce breath. So I thought I might serialise a few of them in the run up to society events.

1. How to respond to an invitation.

Invitations are received, not sought. A good winters networking in the burrows of influence should, if you’re fortunate, move you into the spheres of power where a carrot juice cocktail party should be a regular event.

Do not disgrace yourself like Neville did last year. There was an unfortunate event at the office Bunnymass party where Neville (dressed as a well padded Santa Paws) caused an incident (which I may relate some other time), which harmed his social situation.

Come late spring the elegant, plain, gilt-edged invitations for the Buck Ball (hosted by Lady Furfoot-Fuzzygusset) were dispatched in their beautiful, paw-written, embossed, scented, watermarked envelopes.

Of course by the time they reached their recipients, those that had not disappeared in transit had been reduced by the Bunny Mail to mangled, dirty, dog-eared pulp, cut open on the off chance that there was something of value within.

Anyway, mine arrived eventually and was still readable. I wrote a short, direct reply with appropriate thanks, and indicating my delight at confirming I would attend.

Neville received no invitation.

Assuming it had been lost in a sorting warren somewhere, he took it upon himself to visit upon her Ladyship to ask for a replacement invitation.

Mistake. You should never embarrass a lady bunny of means in this way.

Second mistake: Upon meeting with the hostess, when it becomes apparent that you have made the first mistake it is inappropriate to beg, cry, throw your glass of lettuce tea into the fireplace in disgust and bite the nearest servant – before being carted away by the bunny constabulary screaming like a girl.

Such impetuousness is detrimental to the chances of an invite the following year.

Neville shared a cell that night with a recently arrested rogue mail worker rabbit, a "lady" rabbit with an Adam’s apple and big paws - and a bar of soap.


Oddly, he doesn’t talk about it much.


(o;3

Shocking, Exclusive Report..

Berkshire, UK: Reporter Buck Tricep

Bun Pitt (not his real name) is an imposing rabbit. Half Giant Dutch, half lop, his face looks like a dropped pie, and one ear hangs lazily over the left socket where his eye used to be.

“It’s this that did me for fighting”, he says in a flat Brummie drone, pointing to the cavity; “some pikey hare with long fingers. I was so upset.”

Talking like this could easily get Bun killed. He was a member of the highly dangerous, unregulated, and illegal twilight world of “Rabbit Fight Club”, an increasingly worrying phenomenon amongst otherwise respectable male rabbits. Participants come from all walks of life: Some fight for the buzz, some because they have little else to do. Bun’s story is not unusual;

“I was doing ok; just stuck in a rut and a bit of a slave to the mortgage. I had a hundred and six leverets to support and a fairly large loan on the warren. I got by, but it didn’t do much for my self esteem.”

He frequented pub-holes where he noticed a few of the regulars sporting black eyes and injured paws; “I was worried the place was going downhill a bit”.

But it wasn’t long until he was approached by the leader of the local chapter; “He bought me a carrot juice and seemed to know just what I was thinking. All my weak spots.”

At his first fight he was made to go paw-to-paw with a wheelchair-bound three-legged guinea-pig; “We used to call him ‘Punchbag’. As he was being wheeled off to animal hospital I did feel quite.. .liberated.”,

But with this came increasing confidence; “I took on better fighters, some had all their limbs and everything. But it was never going to end well now was it?” he winks at me. (Or it may have been blinking. It’s quite hard to tell.)

We approached the local constabulary –Superintending Rabbit Inspector “Dirty” Harry Bunnigan appeared reticent; “I can’t talk about Rabbit Fight Club”.

Challenged again, he rubbed his black eye; “I still can’t talk about Rabbit Fight Club.”

Our files are in the paws of Buckinghamshire Rabbit Police Force, but we’re not sure what they’ll do with them as we did our investigation in Berkshire.

But there you are.

Ideal Burrow Exhibition?? What?!

We Rabbits are inventive and practical. Many times in animal annals the bunny has come to the rescue with a simple, workable solution to one of life’s little conundrums.

Or so I thought.

I was at the Ideal Burrows Exhibition in London today, and I have never seen such a lamentable, sad, sorry collection of utter crap in my entire life. And I’m understating this on purpose.

After paying my entry fee and shelling out the extra for the floorplan and Crapola stall guide, I wandered from floor to floor, door to door, stunned. Stall after stall of useless gadgets and widgets, gimmicks and whatsits.

Examples:

What burrow would be complete without the Bunny PC?

Mine is...

Or what about the Bunny wireless router?

(OK, actually I sort of fancy one of these..)

And for when the leverets are playing up, the rabbitcom..

The rabbit tap. I mean.. ..just.. ..why?

(And what brave bunny modelled for it?)

Suffice to say, a waste of a day of my short life, a waste of my money, and a waste of effort on the part of all those sweatshop bunnies working in the far east.

It has been said I'm turning into a grumpy old bunny. I may have to write a strongly worded letter of complaint to the Bunny Times.

Oh - enjoy the bank holiday.

)o:<3

Poll day debacle..

Scotland (Reporter Rabbit McSporran)

Beaurocrats from Holyrood are still scratching their heads this evening, the high numbers of spoiled papers that had to be discarded from last nights bonkers ballot leaving them amazed.

“We’re amazed” said Angus McCheeseburger, ruefully scratching his head, “We just can’t work out what went wrong.. Some of them just ate their crayons..”

Before the election ballot papers were extensively tested, and not just on humans. Multiple, democracy savvy species were given the voting forms, with some vermin voters prodded in trials even lacking opposable thumbs but scientists reported they made a “reasonable fist” out of them. Rabbits reassuringly scored well with 99.97% successful completion rates.

The exhaustive testing finally showed acceptable understanding of the voting form bottomed out at a level somewhere between cabbage and PE instructor.

A quick straw poll on Sauchiehall Street about the situation was inconclusive: “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about”, said rabbit Kylie Localsh, age 9 months.

“What was the question?”, Jim Teacher, age 32

McCheeseburger continued; “We’ll think how it can be made simpler – but in future we might just let the candidates fill in the ballot forms, like they do in Birmingham.”

Footnote: Campaigning for positions on Bunny Councils nationwide has been thrown into chaos after the deputy leader of the single issue “Re-film Watership Down Alliance” boxed the ears of an egg-throwing protester during a rally at a Stockport burrow. Police reports are expected after they have finished cooking an omelette.

Celebrity news..

I don't normally dabble in these kind of things, but..

My sources close to all things celebrity have uncovered a quite remarkable faux-story being played out in the twinkly streets of Tinsel Town.

Long time personal-issue media expose queen Britney Spears (Pictured - being surprised by fearless bunny reporter Earnie O'Hare), has had more than her fair share of issues of late - but can you guess what pushed her over the edge into rehab?

Drink? Drugs? The end of her second marriage?

None of the above. We can exclusively reveal that Britney sought professional help to try and come to terms with a mystery condition that is affecting many ailing celebrities both here and abroad. Britney was in conflict with her Inner Rabbit.

Until very recently Britney has been a huge consumer of lettuce and carrots, making "vzz" noises and licking herself clean. Previously explained away by friends and entourage as Britney "just being a bit weird, like" it took a chance encounter with reknowned Professor of Bunnythropomorphism, LeRoy Spatula at a lettuce dependancy support group for the diagnosis to be made.

Swiftly, arrangements were made for Brit to be admitted to The Warren in Beverly Hills for concentrated therapy sessions of fluffy ear wearing, cotton tail preening, and water bottle practice.

After hopping around the exercise yard eating her own poo and attempting to tunnel under the perimeter wall using her teeth, Britney was deemed "Adjusted" and given a conditional discharge from the hospital before she could do any more damage.

Apparently now on the road to recovery she was recently back on the stage singing, and the professionals think that her once shiny coat will grow back in a couple of months. But Professor Spatula urges caution; "Your inner rabbit is a fragile thing. It could be a throw-away comment, a missed meal or marrying Kevin Federline. They're all highly risky behaviours."

A lesson for us all there.

(o:3