Thursday 28 June 2007

Spice Rats announce reunion - Music lovers mourn


Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

After the arguments, the tears, the controversy and the dire, unsuccessful solo career bids, the five, multi-millionaire members of the Spice Rats once again came together at a press conference today to announce a reunion tour, album, book, TV show, and a whole bunch of other useless merchandising crap.

It may not have felt it, but it’s been 10 short years since they split, and whilst tasteless pink-loving pre-pubescent rodent fans wailed in horror, the rest of the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Asked if the rumoured three million pound payday had motivated them, the rats were united in denying it was a factor: “No, no.” said Bubonic, “We’re doing it for the fans, and to because the world needs more Rat Power” - words that were invariably accompanied by a feeble crossed paws sign throughout the conference.

So would they do it for free then? “Uh… well… we still have bills to pay, and helicopters to run.. and stuff.. …..Did I mention Rat Power?” – another slightly less convincing crossed paws sign.

Prominent music critic Tom Bone was distraught: “They’ve had to take away all sharp objects from me. I’m gutted. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have lost faith in the industry, so I’m going to start farming essential oils in Luton. Is it time for my medication yet?”

Criticised in the past for miming, lip-synching, employing session singers and body doubles, and alleged use of electronic equipment to keep them squeaking in tune, the gullible public are being asked to forget it all and shell out for a new round of dull, unimaginative marketing hype all over again.

Mark my words: They’ll be huge. Again.

Rabbit says: I always sort of admired these girls, but I met Fat Rat at a garden party a couple of years ago, and when I offered her a nibble of my carrot, she just about took my paw off. Once bitten, twice shy.

I wonder how much the t-shirts will be?

(o;3

Monday 18 June 2007

Squirrel goes bonkers - we know why.

Reports in the press of a rodent on the rampage..

Clicky here

I did a bit of digging around, and found out that there is more to this than meets the eye..

Apparently hazelnut dealers in German towns, keen to ensure repeat custom have been cutting nuts with highly addictive designer drugs, to get innocent squirrels hooked on their wares. Drugs such as smack, crack, boink, thump and splat have been found in high concentrations, injected surreptitiously into nuts, and passed off as kosher..

Animal police are hot on the heels of these nefarious individuals, but whilst these nut-runners are on the loose - don't go nibbling any old stranger's nuts.

Let's be careful out there..

Sunday 17 June 2007

Rabbit reporting from the Scottish Bunny Rowing Championships


Thought I’d share with you what Neville and I traded in some of my airmiles for at the weekend – we went to Glasgow to a big rowing regatta in Motherwell.

It was great.

Some of the finals had up to three boats in them and everything.

I was however promised sun, good food and some available lady bunnies - which admittedly I was warned could have slightly funny accents. Instead of this I got leaden skies, a “salad” with a lard dressing, and some scabby seagulls trying to pinch it from me.

To pass the time while Neville was trying his luck out at rowing, I pulled on my scarf and socks, did up my Mac, and went for a walk around the outside of the “loch” – which was quite a long way for two little legs. I had to stop several times for a rest..

I was about half way around when I was challenged by some baseball cap wearing local chavbuns who’d been watching me taking my home snaps. They demanded my coat and camera – so I legged it. Lucky for me, it seems it’s hard to keep up a pursuit weighed down by Elizabeth Duke jewellery – especially when you’re a small furry animal. I lost them by the finish tower, and hid in a bush until the heat died down.



Neville had quite a time. He ended up being pounced on by some school-bunnies who were competing. They told him to sit in the steering seat, shut-up, and not to break anything. To his delight, they won – but far from celebrating, the crew turned on him, hoisted him aloft and chucked him into the freezing, grey water. Apparently such assaults are traditional. The matter is in the hands of his solicitor.

We’re monitoring him for signs of Weil’s disease – but given Neville’s vast array of rare and embarrassing chronic conditions I hold out little hope that we could detect anything new. I have a cotton bud and some TCP in case of emergencies - I think the dose is one spoonful every four hours, but Neville complains about the taste. I’m still trying to work out where to stick the cotton bud, so suggestions from appropriately qualified folks invited.

I’ll be back Glasgow, and next time I’ll be better prepared..

(o;3

Sunday 10 June 2007

Dog Police concern as drive-by incidents spiral



London, UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Another day, another dog lies dazed and concussed. Another victim of the growing and worrying trend of drive-by boning.

In the latest manifestation of “pack-culture”, rogue strays are prowling the streets, armed with beefy bones. Intent on teaching pampered pedigree dogs a lesson, dogs are boning on the streets, in the park – and now even through the windows of affluent homes in well heeled areas.

Chief Inspector Mutt of the Animal Constabulary, speaking at a press conference said; “Today we’re launching a campaign aimed at these packs of doggyobs, to let them know that this is as socially unacceptable as howling, sniffing other dog’s bottoms, or humping legs. It can lead to more serious crimes like leaving the scene of a pavement fouling without picking it up. Which can lead to significant fines.”

“I was boned”, Bonzo says (pictured right), “I was sat on the sofa watching Kennels under the Hammer when there was a terrific crash. It all went black, and it wasn’t until I came around next to a cow thigh bone that I realised what had happened.”

CI Mutt continues, “We’re advising all dogs to avoid sitting in high places, watching crummy TV, with direct lines of vision to the street. Pull the curtains, sit under a table in the dark wearing a crash helmet with the sound off, and you’ll be perfectly safe.”

Rabbit says: Now if bunnies were throwing carrots – I’d be putting myself in dangerous situations three times a day. And in between times if I felt like a snack..

Monday 4 June 2007

Prominent scientist blames flatulent rabbits for global warming


Science & Technology: Reporter Bun Senberner

Rabbits are being encouraged to change their diet today, as scientists revealed the environmental costs of a diet of high fibre meals.

“Rabbits fart up to 20 times their body weight in carbon dioxide, methane, ethane, and carrothane daily. To put this in context, one windy bunny could put out as much damaging gas into the atmosphere as four clapped out Transit vans driving from Stoke to Bangor”, Professor Hugh Sless warned, “A constant high fibre diet reduces food transit times, and increases gas production enormously. Rabbits either have to change their diet, or fart into a balloon.”

He unveiled a highly controversial but more environmentally friendly high protein, high meat, low carrot Bunkin’s diet, that left the almost exclusively vegetarian rabbit population up in arms.

“There’s no way I’m giving up my celery for a kebab” said annoying celebrity chef Bunsley Harriot (who was sadly accidentally run over 12 times by a Greek kebab baron on his way home).

“This is a very timely intervention with sound advice” says Neon Ratburger, spokesman for BTAC, the Bunny Trump Abolition Campaign, “we have been trying to get rabbits to put a cork in this for years. It’s slightly ridiculous that it takes a twelve thousand page report to ram the bunny-bung home – but we’re delighted that good science has prevailed. Here’s to fewer farts in the fields!”

Rabbit says: Rabbit restaurants are experimenting with new menus, but initial reactions are not encouraging. Pro-carrot campaigners are rumoured to be organizing a campaign of bunny disobedience, although their tactics are not as yet clear. Desperate bunnies may try desperate measures...