Life with Rabbit

Rabbit at work...

2007-10-10T08:08:00.001-07:00

I've been literally inundated by an email asking where I am, so I'm prompted to let you know: I'm working on a redesign, so will be a less frequent furry blogger for a while. Rest assured I'm still catching the best animal tit-bits from around the planet and will bring them to you soon.

Neville sends his regards.

(o;3

Condemned bird flu chicken pleads – “It’s just a bit of a cold”

2007-09-14T02:00:00.000-07:00

Surrey UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

A life and death tussle makes it to the Animal High court on Thursday, as Fenella the chicken makes a final plea for her life. She’s been through the system, and the cluck stops here.

Fenella was shopped by fellow free-range birds when she developed sneezing, runny eyes, stiff muscles, and feverish shivers: “Someone helpfully told me chicken soup was good for colds. What a wit.” she ruefully explains.

“I felt pretty rotten, and was right off my grain. I was laying hard boiled eggs so I just took to my nest to sweat it out” she explains, “and I’m sure I would have been just fine. But the other hens in the coop went nuts, running around pointing and shouting ‘FLU! FLU!’”

Ace chicken entrepreneur Farmer Arthur “Chicken Charmer” Palmer, seeing his pampered poultry going coop-crazy, couldn’t help but notice Fenella; “She was huddled in the corner, drinking a cup of Lemsip and inhaling menthol from a handkerchief. Never seen them drinking anything like it in my flock. They normally just microwave a mug of hot chocolate at roosting time.”

Farmer Palmer notified the authorities, and government inspectors gave him grim news that they suspected bird flu had infiltrated his flock.

Fenella shudders: “Things just got worse with the other birds heckling me, throwing grain, and making those cutting gestures across their necks with their wings like you see in old mafia films. The stress of it all has made me lose my feathers..”

The final hearing will ironically be presided over by former crispy chicken magnate Judge “Colonel” Sanders. Any accusations of potential bias have been strongly rebuffed; “Chicken hater? No, no - you don’t understand: I LOVE chickens. Particularly the breast meat.”

The final appeal against the earlier ruling will consider the facts of the case one final time before delivering a verdict in about a week, but given the lack of any new evidence legal eagles fear the worst.

Rabbit says: This is tragic. Fenella has impeccable credentials, and has been a “great lay” for years, according to Farmer Palmer. I hear the RSPCA are to investigate…

/o:3

One doesn't like to brag but..

2007-09-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the cover of September's Carrot Monthly..?

What can I say? My style, sophistication and wit have been recognized at last. Despite what Neville may try to tell you, it has nothing to do with the letters that I have been sending to the editor of the magazine every day for the last 3 years, and he's given in to me to shut me up. I just think it's taken him a while to fully appreciate my writing style.

Oh - and I found out about some of his unpublishable activities at Bunnyversity.

He LOVES my writing now...

I won't tell you the content of the article - I'm sure you'll want to run out and buy your own copy. But the top choice for this years carrot champagne crop is from the Valle du Lapin, where carrots that have grown fat and tasty on a diet of fresh spring water and southern French sunshine are lovingly crushed by fat lady bunnies into stout barrels, and aged in temperature controlled burrows deep under the hillside. It's then tasted, graded, bottled, and drunk by conoisseurs the world over.

See if you can spot a bottle in a good Bunny supplies store near you.

PS. Sorry to bore you with that old load of rubbish - but the producers of the premier cru from the Valle du Lapin promised me a few cases if I posted the label that they stick on the back of the bottle. I have ten being delivered this afternoon! Who'd have thought writing a blog could be so much fun?! I may have to invite over Mint Sauce ...

Incidentally - another requested plug: Carrot Monthly is brought to you by the publishers of Cowsmopolitan...

(o;3

What a Carrie on...

2007-09-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

Update:

Thanks to all those who have been on the look out for our lost carrot.

There have been sightings from Rome to Romania and Tucson to Thailand, but the only picture that Neville believes may be his carrot was received from a sharp eyed Bunny in Barcelona. He was having a drink and saw a dainty lady carrot being propositioned by a large male with slicked back foliage. Judge for yourself (and add your own 70's Bom-chicka-wah-wah soundtrack..):

As time goes on I'm trying to suggest to Neville that Carrie may by now be a constituent part of a delicious soup, stew, casserole or carrot cake. Or paella.. Even if she has made it through the last couple of weeks it's likely that she's gone a bit brown and mushy.

I bought him a packet of seeds for him to plant out in the spring, and he cheered up a bit. The watercress soup smells bad, and has gone a bit thick - I can't get the spoon out. I'll suggest to him that it should be thrown away before the neighbours complain.

Hope is fading, but we appreciate all your efforts.

PS. DK and Orlando Bun: You were ruled out of the investigation fairly early on by Nevilles contacts at Interpol, but you rabbits always look a little hungry in your photos...

(o;3

Out of Burrow message: Out with search party..

2007-08-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

A quick update: There have been sightings of Carrie in Kensington, perusing old vinyl records at a high class thrift shop. (She always was a sucker for New Age 80's Bunny Rock..)

I'm off with Neville into town.

If anyone else sights Carrie - or gets a picture of her so we can see if it's her - we'll be very, very grateful.

For Nevilles sake - keep the faith everyone..

Plea for help: Neville in need

2007-08-15T00:23:00.001-07:00

Bunny huggers - a plea from the heart.

My sidekick Neville has had an unfortunate loss, and has been distributing the following around the neighbourhood:

He raised "Carrie" from seed, so is particularly keen to see her return. They had a row on Thursday about how much seasoning to use in watercress soup, but it is still uneaten as Neville has lost his appetite with worry. It's all the worse for him as Lottie his favourite lettuce, drowned in the recent floods that we had. It's more suffering than a small bunny can bear.

Please keep your eyes peeled. Your reward of a bowl of mature watercress soup awaits.

Thanks.

)o:3

Ad Break: Rabbit Loves...

2007-07-31T15:13:00.000-07:00

Do you have problems with tense, stiff Rabbits?

Do you find it difficult to unwind?

Need to look your best, but

can't make the grade?

Rabbit says; "I recommend ghd (Good Hare Day) Bunny straighteners - the essential item in my daily hare care routine. Just plug it in, it's ready in a jif and steamy hot for cool straight looks... Outrageous styling for an outrageous price."

(No - seriously they cost a bomb..)

GHD - STRAIGHTENING YOUR HARE SINCE 2006!!

Eco-friendly Boring 797 revealed..

2007-07-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

Science: Reporter Frank DeNile II

Everett, WA: Aviation media were treated to a glimpse of the future here today as the Boring Airline corporation’s latest make-or-break commercial airliner was unveiled.

Amid the fanfares, pom-poms and general ballyhoo of the whole occasion, it was hard not to notice it looked a little unfinished: There was duck-tape holding the wings on. Hubert K Wingnut, chief engineer clarified that it was “100% certain to resemble this prototype in at least 45% of the 30% of the structure that is structural. The non-structural structure is 99% certain to certainly not bear resemblance to 75% of the non-structural structure that you see here. It is unlikely that duck-tape will form a major structural or non-structural element.”

The most impressive innovation is in propulsion – no engine nacelles can be seen. Shunning high performance jets made with exotic alloys burning refined fuel and producing shedloads of greenhouse gases, a whole new power source has been developed..

Two hundred and seventy-five thousand domestic bluebottle flies will be glued on to the 200 foot wings, trained to fly in unison, and will hoist the aircraft, crew and 378 passengers aloft for short-haul flights.

“Flies are an under used source of power” Wingnut explains, “They are compact, easily replaced, and have a reasonable service life if given something sugary to suck on, and the occasional scattering of dung.”

He continues “They emit much less carbon dioxide and nitrogenous compounds, and they make much less noise. Those dwelling near large airports will notice only a gentle humming when one goes over, a bit like an asthmatic blowing on a kazoo.”

There is a problem “If they see a window they tend to fly at them, bouncing off and going 'bzzzz'. Obviously this could spill the drinks in first class so we’re experimenting with blinkers so they don’t get distracted during flights. It’s really just a teething problem.”

Order books for the new Flyliner open in October.

Wizard Rabbit takes on his nemesis in final novel

2007-07-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

Arts: Reporter J. Philippus Gerbile

Around the world, rodents queued up last night to be the first to get their paws on the final chapter in the Harey Potter septology. Although critics feel the series has lost some of its initial impact, eager but bleary eyed bunnies will have leafed their way through the 706 page volume through the night.

Low key highlights in the latest volume include Bunndledore fighting a charmed carrot with an electric grater and a bottle of vinegrette, Dogred choking on a Percy Pott’s every-flavour raisin, Potter’s enemy Malfrog meeting an untimely end under the wheels of an in-flight service trolley, and Severus Snake having his credit card refused when trying to buy Wolfsbane on tick.

Squillionare author JK Bunling launched the book in London, and told those gathered, “I enjoyed writing this one more than all the others, because I switched from Works for Windows to Office 2003.”

Just before the final showdown between Potter and nemesis Voleymort, best friend Bun Weasley cops off with the evil necromancer who assumes the physical form of Cindy Crawford. The final chapter contains the biggest twist since Chubby Checker went platinum, and which we won’t spoil for those of you who intend to read the book.

Harey Potter and the Earthy Burrows is priced at between £16.98 and £16.99 and is available in every single book shop in the entire known universe.

Rabbit says: I’ve bought a copy of this for Neville for his birthday, but I’m toying with the idea of taking out the final page. I can save it for a highly economical Christmas present for him..

(o;3

Hollywood: Cow Diva chucks a wobbly..

2007-07-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

Worrying times ahead for Jennifer Buffalopez, self styled cow-diva, who is hitting the headlines again with her love-life the subject of gossip and rumour – whilst at the same time her fans are deserting her in herds.

J-Buffa-Lo, recent winner of three prestigious “Patty” awards for her last album “Me and My Moo-sic” has been losing a worrying amount of weight since the first release from it, “Jenny from the Paddock”, met with howls of laughter from critics and her many previously faithful fans.

In the video, multi-millionaire Buffalopez parades her diamond encrusted ear tag, and wiggles her manicured hoof at the camera whilst singing lyrics such as “Don't be fooled by the silage that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the paddock”. Fans smelled more than a slight whiff of hypocrisy and didn’t buy it – in their millions.

Simultaneously long-term beau Ben Afflank – rumoured to be a bit of a rump man – has been caught on camera with a lap-dancing Fresian in a cheap byre off Sunset Strip. Buffalopez has changed the locks on her luxurious Bel-Aire barn, thrown his belongings on the rolling pasture outside and put up a barbed-wire fence at man-cow undercarriage level.

Her publicist, Bob Honk, denies any health problems; “J-Buffa-Lo has been on a low-grass diet and a new exercise regimen in preparation for her upcoming world tour, which she will undertake once we have sold some tickets. If you’re interested you can have two for a fiver..”

Picking winners: Rabbit reports

2007-07-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

Henley Royal Regatta: One of the main society occasions of the year, and of course I pinned on my badges, did up my tie, brushed out my fur with a real bristle brush - and made for the enclosure..
Thought I'd share the highlights..

Well, I got the photos back from the chemist, and Neville almost managed to cut me out of this one completely. I'll have stern words with him later..
This is me by the landing stage. Those ones getting out had just lost, so I offered them a carrot to make them feel better, but they were quite sad. Neville almost got stood on eight times. Prat.

So I made for the bar, and a glass of something cool and fizzy. Pink carrot champagne on ice, two glasses - Neville is on the wagon following an episode at the local hostelry when he got his ears shaved for a bet - so I sort of hoped a lady bunny rowing-groupie might have stopped by.

Sadly not.. so I had to drink it all myself.

I staggered off to watch my hot tip in one of the events from the riverside; and they won! I of course had to congratulate the old chum of mine who was rowing in the boat, so tottered off to the boat club (which seemed like quite a long way) to congratulate him..

Here I am with Colin - a talented soul of impeccable breeding. Apparently he comes from a long line of Bunny appreciators, and I suspect he is at one with his inner Rabbit. His aura is carrot-coloured according to Neville (who thinks he has the makings of a vermin medium in him..).

Colin kindly got me another glass of carrot champagne, which I delicately dropped. He got me another one which he duct-taped to my paw as my grip strength is the first thing to go when I've had a couple of drinkies..

The rest of the event passed in a happy blur. The only unknown picture is of a distinguished looking gentleman who I apparently bored with tips on how to take care of facial hair. Having a pelt, I do flatter myself that I can take care of all things fuzzy. Well, everything fuzzy except Neville, who eventually did have a drink, and was seen being escorted off the premises by some gentlemen in bowler hats..
If the gentleman in the photo would like to get in touch, I have the styling mousse and straightening irons that I endorse ready for dispatch, when I receive the cheque.

(o;3

Out of burrow message - Gone rowing

2007-07-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry bunny-huggers; I'm off mixing with the good folk at the Henley Royal Regatta, so sadly no updates for a few days. The good news is that Neville should be able to make it there some days, so there should be some stories to tell..

I'll toast your health in Carrot Juice cocktails..

(o;3

Chuck Norris’ stunt beard: Dispute shock

2007-07-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

Hollywood: Reporter Hank Bunford

Walker, Texas Ranger, the successful high-kicking, kung-fu crazy martial arts knockabout show starring Hollywood hard man Chuck “I drank a vial of Bruce Lee’s sweat” Norris, is looking a shaky bet for the new season.

Ed the Beaver, Chuck’s key stunt beard on the show, has gone public on his lamentable pay and conditions, and has refused to film key fight scenes until his package is improved.

“Chuck’s beard isn’t as hard as the rest of him, and it’s heavily insured as it’s such an important part of the show: It gets some of the best lines after all” explains Ed, “so when the fight scenes are recorded, the beard gets put back into it’s oxygen tent, and I cling onto his chin.”

He continues, “It’s dangerous work. Both my front teeth are veneers which I had done after a disastrous numchuk gag in season 2. I had to cover the cost myself, and it wiped out pretty much my entire fee as stand in for Sharon Stone's bits on Basic Instinct."

After a surprise protest at a recent photo shoot (pictured) Ed has refused to return to work; “I’ve told Chuck – no more beaver on his face until I get fair pay for a fair days work.”

Horace Baloney, spokesman for the Rodent Actors Guild (RAG) sympathizes; “No one appreciates the unsung rodent heroes in high profile roles. There’s Sean Connery’s chest hair stand-in, Donald Trump’s Angora rabbit hare-piece – it’s really hard to balance on that head. It all deserves danger money, and being a stunt beaver must be more dangerous than most..”

Spice Rats announce reunion - Music lovers mourn

2007-06-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

After the arguments, the tears, the controversy and the dire, unsuccessful solo career bids, the five, multi-millionaire members of the Spice Rats once again came together at a press conference today to announce a reunion tour, album, book, TV show, and a whole bunch of other useless merchandising crap.

It may not have felt it, but it’s been 10 short years since they split, and whilst tasteless pink-loving pre-pubescent rodent fans wailed in horror, the rest of the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Asked if the rumoured three million pound payday had motivated them, the rats were united in denying it was a factor: “No, no.” said Bubonic, “We’re doing it for the fans, and to because the world needs more Rat Power” - words that were invariably accompanied by a feeble crossed paws sign throughout the conference.

So would they do it for free then? “Uh… well… we still have bills to pay, and helicopters to run.. and stuff.. …..Did I mention Rat Power?” – another slightly less convincing crossed paws sign.

Prominent music critic Tom Bone was distraught: “They’ve had to take away all sharp objects from me. I’m gutted. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have lost faith in the industry, so I’m going to start farming essential oils in Luton. Is it time for my medication yet?”

Criticised in the past for miming, lip-synching, employing session singers and body doubles, and alleged use of electronic equipment to keep them squeaking in tune, the gullible public are being asked to forget it all and shell out for a new round of dull, unimaginative marketing hype all over again.

Mark my words: They’ll be huge. Again.

Rabbit says: I always sort of admired these girls, but I met Fat Rat at a garden party a couple of years ago, and when I offered her a nibble of my carrot, she just about took my paw off. Once bitten, twice shy.

I wonder how much the t-shirts will be?

(o;3

Squirrel goes bonkers - we know why.

2007-06-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Reports in the press of a rodent on the rampage..

Clicky here

I did a bit of digging around, and found out that there is more to this than meets the eye..

Apparently hazelnut dealers in German towns, keen to ensure repeat custom have been cutting nuts with highly addictive designer drugs, to get innocent squirrels hooked on their wares. Drugs such as smack, crack, boink, thump and splat have been found in high concentrations, injected surreptitiously into nuts, and passed off as kosher..

Animal police are hot on the heels of these nefarious individuals, but whilst these nut-runners are on the loose - don't go nibbling any old stranger's nuts.

Let's be careful out there..

Rabbit reporting from the Scottish Bunny Rowing Championships

2007-06-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

Thought I’d share with you what Neville and I traded in some of my airmiles for at the weekend – we went to Glasgow to a big rowing regatta in Motherwell.

It was great.

Some of the finals had up to three boats in them and everything.

I was however promised sun, good food and some available lady bunnies - which admittedly I was warned could have slightly funny accents. Instead of this I got leaden skies, a “salad” with a lard dressing, and some scabby seagulls trying to pinch it from me.

To pass the time while Neville was trying his luck out at rowing, I pulled on my scarf and socks, did up my Mac, and went for a walk around the outside of the “loch” – which was quite a long way for two little legs. I had to stop several times for a rest..

I was about half way around when I was challenged by some baseball cap wearing local chavbuns who’d been watching me taking my home snaps. They demanded my coat and camera – so I legged it. Lucky for me, it seems it’s hard to keep up a pursuit weighed down by Elizabeth Duke jewellery – especially when you’re a small furry animal. I lost them by the finish tower, and hid in a bush until the heat died down.

Neville had quite a time. He ended up being pounced on by some school-bunnies who were competing. They told him to sit in the steering seat, shut-up, and not to break anything. To his delight, they won – but far from celebrating, the crew turned on him, hoisted him aloft and chucked him into the freezing, grey water. Apparently such assaults are traditional. The matter is in the hands of his solicitor.

We’re monitoring him for signs of Weil’s disease – but given Neville’s vast array of rare and embarrassing chronic conditions I hold out little hope that we could detect anything new. I have a cotton bud and some TCP in case of emergencies - I think the dose is one spoonful every four hours, but Neville complains about the taste. I’m still trying to work out where to stick the cotton bud, so suggestions from appropriately qualified folks invited.

I’ll be back Glasgow, and next time I’ll be better prepared..

(o;3

Dog Police concern as drive-by incidents spiral

2007-06-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

London, UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Another day, another dog lies dazed and concussed. Another victim of the growing and worrying trend of drive-by boning.

In the latest manifestation of “pack-culture”, rogue strays are prowling the streets, armed with beefy bones. Intent on teaching pampered pedigree dogs a lesson, dogs are boning on the streets, in the park – and now even through the windows of affluent homes in well heeled areas.

Chief Inspector Mutt of the Animal Constabulary, speaking at a press conference said; “Today we’re launching a campaign aimed at these packs of doggyobs, to let them know that this is as socially unacceptable as howling, sniffing other dog’s bottoms, or humping legs. It can lead to more serious crimes like leaving the scene of a pavement fouling without picking it up. Which can lead to significant fines.”

“I was boned”, Bonzo says (pictured right), “I was sat on the sofa watching Kennels under the Hammer when there was a terrific crash. It all went black, and it wasn’t until I came around next to a cow thigh bone that I realised what had happened.”

CI Mutt continues, “We’re advising all dogs to avoid sitting in high places, watching crummy TV, with direct lines of vision to the street. Pull the curtains, sit under a table in the dark wearing a crash helmet with the sound off, and you’ll be perfectly safe.”

Rabbit says: Now if bunnies were throwing carrots – I’d be putting myself in dangerous situations three times a day. And in between times if I felt like a snack..

Prominent scientist blames flatulent rabbits for global warming

2007-06-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

Science & Technology: Reporter Bun Senberner

Rabbits are being encouraged to change their diet today, as scientists revealed the environmental costs of a diet of high fibre meals.

“Rabbits fart up to 20 times their body weight in carbon dioxide, methane, ethane, and carrothane daily. To put this in context, one windy bunny could put out as much damaging gas into the atmosphere as four clapped out Transit vans driving from Stoke to Bangor”, Professor Hugh Sless warned, “A constant high fibre diet reduces food transit times, and increases gas production enormously. Rabbits either have to change their diet, or fart into a balloon.”

He unveiled a highly controversial but more environmentally friendly high protein, high meat, low carrot Bunkin’s diet, that left the almost exclusively vegetarian rabbit population up in arms.

“There’s no way I’m giving up my celery for a kebab” said annoying celebrity chef Bunsley Harriot (who was sadly accidentally run over 12 times by a Greek kebab baron on his way home).

“This is a very timely intervention with sound advice” says Neon Ratburger, spokesman for BTAC, the Bunny Trump Abolition Campaign, “we have been trying to get rabbits to put a cork in this for years. It’s slightly ridiculous that it takes a twelve thousand page report to ram the bunny-bung home – but we’re delighted that good science has prevailed. Here’s to fewer farts in the fields!”

Rabbit says: Rabbit restaurants are experimenting with new menus, but initial reactions are not encouraging. Pro-carrot campaigners are rumoured to be organizing a campaign of bunny disobedience, although their tactics are not as yet clear. Desperate bunnies may try desperate measures...

Out of burrow message - At concert

2007-05-29T14:23:00.001-07:00

(Dictated by Rabbit to a member of his staff)

Sorry Rabbit readers - very excited to be going out to an Elton Dog concert in Battersea; Neville managed to blag a couple of tickets from his promotor chum, and his date dropped out at the last moment. As so often happens, tragedy strikes those around Neville again: She got viciously savaged by a ferret in the foie gras aisle in Waitrose and is recuperating in her burrow. They think the tail might grow back... So sad.

Still, her loss my gain..

Normal service resumes tomorrow. Probably.

(o;3

Conspiracy theorists miss one last piece of evidence in moon landing story

2007-05-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

Cape Canaveral: Science Correspondent Frank DeNile II

Top officials at the NASA space centre were forced to come clean this weekend when shocking new pictures from the moon landing program came to light.

For decades, sad, lonely conspiracy theorists have been glued to their pc monitors, desperately searching for any hint of a trace of evidence that man never actually went to the moon. Criticisms that the pictures were too good, too well lit, or had an errant Snickers bar wrapper on the floor in one of them, were widely dismissed by the rest of humanity – and those peddling them told to “go and get a life, or a puppy or something.”

But now, NASA have been forced to reveal Rabbit NASA – codenamed ‘Project 9’– a major program that ran simultaneously with human training. Elite Bunnies were selected from the Armed Forces and trained relentlessly to pursue their mission goal: “To boldly go where there may be carrots.”

NASA had their hand forced by photographs, independently assessed by people who know about these kinds of things, who verified their authenticity and expressed themselves “gobsmacked” by their content. The unedited version of one famous photo clearly shows the “Pressurized ear protection capsules” from the Astrorodent suit – previously airbrushed out to make the suit wearer appear more humanoid.

Spokesman Dr Hugh Kidme confirmed the historic news at a press conference held in a burrow near the space centre on Sunday morning; “NASA is in a position to confirm that rodents did make it to the moon before humans on May 12th 1969. So in effect there was a ‘small hop’ on the moon five weeks before the first step.”

The identity of the Bunny that took on the final frontier is not being revealed; “We tried to track down the Rabbit in the photo, and although we haven’t been able to confirm it, it seems he may well have been run over in 1972 by a Hippy on weed, driving a Chevrolet pick-up truck. We lost a lot of Astrorodents like that.”

Plans to erect a permanent memorial to the unnamed hero are being considered by Rabbit NASA and as a tribute a Rabbit in a rocket pack will jet into the centre of the pitch during the first ad-break of next years Superbowl.

Rabbit says: I’m not one to crow, but rumour has it Rabbits have beaten humans to many major achievements, such as climbing Everest, eating 3 Shredded Wheat, and first non-stop circumnavigation of Rosanne Barr without a safety net.

Sunday Smut: Hollywood dog-star’s sordid past uncovered

2007-05-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The streets of Doggywood drip with hot gossip today, as a shocking proof reel unearthed from a kinky collectors private stash floats to the surface like the bloated corpse of a ruined career.

Dog legend Classie, famous for such wholesome classics as “Classie Saves the Fluffy Kittens”, “Classie Burns Down the Temple of Set” and “Classie Uncovers Systematic and Persistent Corporate Fraud by Senior Executives at Enron” has been exposed as having filmed a short feature which exposes her as more of a doggy-stylist than ever thought before.

“Classie Does Dallas”, a feature pre-dating her commercial successes, shows the disgraced canine touring Texas and hitting several hot-spots in an X-rated rumble that would make her legions of fans gasp in shock. In scenes too explicit to describe, Classie meets a burly Swedish Alsatian by a fire hydrant, and stokes the flames of passion to a Motown soundtrack. Others see her dressing up as a kennel-maid and making out with a mongrel on a damp mattress, throwing wet lettuce at a Schnauzer in a disused bowling alley, and shaving a badger on a grassy knoll.

Human carer Spud Heathermax released a statement to the press saying, “Classie wants it to be known that these low-budget features were filmed at a time when she was struggling to establish herself in the industry. She considers herself a victim of the casting dog-bed phenomenon that was prevalent at that time, when self-sacrifice was often the only way to get ahead. She was poor, hungry, and did it for the bones.”

Classie has gone to ground, but a plethora of wicked websites have sprung up offering dodgy-downloads in exchange for punters rampant readies, so this is a controversy that is unlikely to die down any time soon.

Rabbit says: Doggywood is a place where your past can come back to bite you, and you can be a primo-pooch one day, a dog’s-dinner the next. It’s disgusting and exploitative. Don’t you dare go and download it: Wait for the DVD – it’ll be much better quality.

Out of Burrow Message - At the flicks

2007-05-26T14:02:00.001-07:00

(Dictated by Rabbit to a member of his staff)

Bunny followers; Hey, it's Saturday - you can't expect me to be in..

I have a hot date with a little bunny-ette - we're off to the movies and see the latest from Dolt Pisney's studio. According to Neville it's as "funny as Herpes".

Can't say I've seen that film - it must be foreign cinema or some rubbish like that.

I'll let you know..

(o;3

Animal charity under threat from neo-con reactionaries

2007-05-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

Newcastle, UK: Reporter Gisele Gazelle

A long running animal charity based in Newcastle is under imminent threat of closure as a three year long campaign of deranged ranting by the neo-conservative "Just Stop Doing Everything Now" pressure group escalates.

Animal Relate, a charitable organization, offers counselling and support for ostracised interspecies relationships, and has championed the cause of equal rights for odd couples throughout the northeast.

Spokesman Duncan Duckhugger explains, "These individuals have been picketing our premises, barracking our clients and fly-posting disturbing images in vets surgeries since 2004. They just don't seem to understand that love doesn't conform to species boundaries. A fox can love a giraffe, a cat can love a chicken. Anything goes really - and they don't always eat each other."

Such a pair are Tiddles and Roscoe - a Moggy and a Bulldog who were thrown together by their human carer 18 months ago. "At first I hissed and spit at him" says Tiddles, "but as I got to know him his bad breath and constant drooling seemed less important. I see the beautiful being under all the hair and mange. I do wish he'd stop licking his nuts though."

Roscoe was being taken for walkies and unavailable for comment.

"It violates the rule of nature" says Curt Squeezy, PR spokesman for the pressure group, "and we have employed entirely legal means to put our point across. That, together with the lynch mobs and petrol bombs - it's been highly effective."

He continues, "We will not rest until Dog lies with Bitch, Tom lies with Cat, and Brad and Jennifer get back together. It's how it should be."

The charity have approached the local Animal Court for a restraining order against the pressure group, but are pessimistic about the chances of success; "It's being heard by some bloke called Squeezy - and he's quite tough apparently."

Rabbit says: Nothing against this - but I just go for hot Bunny crumpet. At a push I wouldn't rule out a quinea pig though, if my current love life drought continues...

Rodent Wimbledon confirms introduction of HawkEye technology

2007-05-23T12:40:00.001-07:00

Sport: Reporter Euphemia Forklift

The All England Rodent Tennis Association has confirmed that for the first time since the inception of the Rodent Wimbledon tournament, competitors will be able to refer disputed calls for arbitration to HawkEye.

This came as a complete surprise for the aging former M*A*S*H star Alan Alda, who has been a bit light on regular work since West Wing went a bit crap. He has got himself a new pair of glasses, a loudhailer, and has been practising saying ‘BEEP’ loudly, ready for the event.

“I was surprised when my agent told me - I had no idea Hawkeye was so popular in the tennis fraternity”, said the Hollywood personality, speaking from his home in the Hamptons, “I’d be right over to London to shake paws with the organizers, but I’m snowed-under right now doing the voice of Captain Cheese in the new PizzaShed advert.”

First indications are that it will not be a straightforward transition for the actor: At a low level RTA tournament at Long Beach he narrowly avoided being arrested after inadvertently stepping onto the court, squashing one of the ball-voles during a particularly long rally; “I apologised to the family, gave them some nuts, and a Woody Allen DVD. Oddly enough that seemed to make things worse..” he defends.

Organizers are hoping that Alda’s well rehearsed anti-war sentiments will help quell the fiery temper of John MacEnrat, famous for taking major strops, and pushing recalcitrant Umpires chairs over when annoyed.

“Some have suggested that this is a cynical ploy to increase exposure for our tournament, and they’re right.”, said Humphrey StickPritt-PrittStick, tournament director, “Human Wimbledon have electronic things that go ‘beep’ and we wanted that too, but Alan Alda was cheaper and makes much the same noise. Have you seen him in M*A*S*H?”

Rabbit says: The tournament kicks off at Wimbledon Sewage Works on 3rd July. Take a clothes peg for your nose.

(o;3

Out of burrow message - mercy mission

2007-05-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

(Dictated by Bunny to a member of his staff)

Bunny fans - sorry to miss another day - I'm on a mercy dash to catch up with Reginald, an old hamster chum of mine. He was at a stage hypnosis spectacle at the Odeon in Hamstersmith - Marvo the Rat was looking for susceptible rodents in the audience, and guess who fit the bill?

Yes - Reginald. Never the brightest bulb in the chandelier, he was on the stage in an instant. After a couple of gimmicks (cooking with hair, break dancing to Spandau Ballet) Marvo convinced him he was a rabbit.

Tragically, Reggie's brain was by now full, and there may have been a short-circuit.

There have been some... ...side effects (see picture).

So - do excuse me. A Rabbit's friends are like the pages of Reginald's old Playhamster magazines.

Inseparable.

(o;3

Out of burrow message

2007-05-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

Rabbit is out of the burrow, at the Rabbit Vegetable Society's Carrot Show in Chelsea.

Yum-yum..

(o;3

Cows vs. Sheep Campaign escalates

2007-05-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

Surrey, UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

Salvos were exchanged again over the weekend, as the ongoing Cow and Sheep battle for the hearts, minds and stomachs of the carnivorous population took on a new dimension.

As the Cow Protection League published their latest billboards, ace ad-house Baatchi & Baatchi unveiled the first part of a counter-campaign in an attempt to foil the moderately successful “Eat more Sheep” advertisements that have been blanketing the animal media.

“It’s incredible that the cows have been able to get away with this for so long”, complained Reece Fleece, PR ram for the Hug a Sheep Campaign, “and we intend a long hot summer of high-level activism with supporters such as Larry the Lamb, Lambchop, and that ewe that’s chewing the cud in the background on the Antiques Roadshow titles.”

The Cow Protection League spokesman “Rusty” Ribeye Fetlock, was reserved when asked for a comment; “We are aware of this campaign, and will be taking legal advice about the tactics they are employing. It could be pretty short lived – a case of ram-bam thank you lamb.”. He then dissolved into fits of moo-y laughter.

Leaked documents from the radical wing of the Hug a Sheep Campaign suggest frank violence is not out of the question. Plans for explosive cattle grids, souped up electric fences capable of inducing cardiac arrest, and milking machines powerful enough to suck up an entire cow by the udders have been recovered.

FACAS (the Farmyard Animal Conciliation and Arbitration Service) have made initial approaches to the two pressure groups, hoping to broker a truce. They were told to “moo-off” by the only party to return their call. It is thought sheep have yet to evolve enough to operate telephones.

This one has legs. And udders. Lots of them.

Rabbit says: This has the possibility of tearing the countryside apart, even more than the Badger vs. Frog feud of 1987. It’s simply terrible. I’m offering odds of 3:1 on for the cows if you’re interested.

Rabbit Constabulary urge vigilance to Rural Rabbits

2007-05-19T13:46:00.001-07:00

Reporter: Tobias Fuzzpaw

Fear stalks the burrows of the Boroughs today as it became apparent that an infamous serial con-artist was once again active, this time targeting unsuspecting rabbits.

Mr Tibs, a persistent feline felon has only recently been released from solitary confinement in a cattery in Newport following his most recent conviction for obtaining dairy products by deception. So well known in the cat community, Tibs has been obliged to change species in order to continue his life of crime.

His most recent ploy is to cunningly disguise himself as a rabbit and pose as a representative of the burrow planning department to check on unauthorised extensions to property. Targeting large, country burrows of well to do bunny types, he has so far managed to get away with premium organic carrots, vintage lettuce water and an array of priceless family heirlooms.

"We're bewildered. He was so convincing we had no idea", said Felicity Fencepost-Splat, a victim of the crime phenomenon, "He took the candelabra, the baby-bunny grand piano and my father. And we only had him stuffed last week."

Although hard to spot (picture above), rabbits are urged to report anything out of the ordinary such as rabbits that "meow", climb trees, or eat mice - to their local police. Vigilantes should not to approach Tibs directly however, as he is believed potentially dangerous.

Any information should be passed to the Interspecies Crimestoppers number 0900 FATCOPSHOP.

New front line weapon unveiled

2007-05-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

London UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Hot on the heels of Prince Harry’s replacement, senior army personnel unveiled a new, controversial generation of potent weaponry to a packed press conference at the MOD today, and immediately came under fire (not literally) from animal welfare groups around the country.

“It’s taken around 20 years to blend an organism and high explosive into a useful weapon, but we’re confident that we have something of immense utility that will confuse the hell out of the enemy.”, said Captain Slaptin of the 2nd Battalion King’s Own Combs and Dental Floss, “Gentlemen, we have created the Bungrenade.”

At this point and in complete silence, an ashen faced private brought forth a small carry hutch containing a fist sized rabbit swathed in bubble-wrap.

“Primed by inserting a fuse through a handy aperture” – the rabbit’s eyes started watering at this point - “ they are simple to maintain and operate, and can be used in pretty much any terrain or combat arena, as long as the roads aren’t too bumpy.”

Such caveats are not unfounded: Earlier unstable strains of the animals tended to detonate when mating, and four rabbit farms have been vapourized during the program. Such “teething troubles” are reportedly solved now.

“We find the male rabbits are more potent – it’s a case of more bang for your bucks.” Slaptin joked weakly, to complete silence.

“This is an outrage”, said a masked activist, protesting outside, “we plan a campaign of protests, civil disobedience, and break-ins to breeding facilities with careful liberation of these poor unfortunate animals. Not too sure what we’ll do with them after that.. ..do you have any good ideas?”

Bungrenades are expected to enter active service in the next few months, and reinforced concrete hutches are currently being delivered to regiments across the country prior to conversion training.

Unconfirmed reports suggest there is an additional project looking at thermonuclear field mice.

Rabbit says: Einstein and Darwin would be horrified. I hear burrow prices have plummeted near army bases, and there have been incidents from drunken pub-hole brawls resulting in small towns being wiped off the map. This can't end well...

Regimental mascot steps into the limelight

2007-05-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

Aldershot UK: Reporter Corny Cobb

Army chiefs handling the recent Prince Harry controversy have formulated an action plan to fill the gap in the regimental line-up left by his withdrawal. Rather than draft in a spare hand from another regiment, forces staff have handed the role to Rambun, the regimental Rabbit.

The furry forces specialist is undergoing a strenuous catch-up program to enable him run a mile and a half in ten minutes wearing full battle dress, a 90lb Bergen, assault rifle, clean hay for a carbohydrate boost, and isotonic fluid replacement in a rabbit drink bottle.

He stated; “I’m delighted to be able to serve my country and help out his Royalness in this way, and I’m glad to follow in the footsteps of such illustrious animal Army personnel as the Desert Rats, Jungle Gerbils and Forest Ferrets.”

After his first day of intensive training, senior officers were officially “Content” with his progress, but unconfirmed reports suggest that recoil from the gun was responsible for propelling Rambun around 20 feet down the rifle range. This, together with his mediocre aim resulted in seven bystanders being hospitalized by stray bullets and shrapnel.

An un-named officer present was asked if a herbivore would have the ability to kill; “I’ll say – he’s bloody lethal. There haven’t been more British soldiers wounded in one day since the Somme.”

Good luck to our boys, girls, and rabbits – and a word of advice: Make sure you’re standing behind him when his paw is on the trigger.

Serial rabbit thief sent to chokey

2007-05-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

“Light-paws” McGraw, well known light fingered rabbit around these parts, has been sent to the local bunny nick for a 6 month stretch.

Caught red-handed snaffling cookies in a local coffee emporium (pictured), he was handcuffed by local police (who had to put them around his neck as his paws were too weeny-tiny) and charged at the local police station.

When the case came to court, McGraw asked for 207 other offences to be taken into consideration, including multiple counts of carrot-rustling, lettuce shredding and beetroot abuse. McGraw also admitted to pushing rabbit droppings up the exhaust pipe of a BMW X5, but the judge let him off this as he thought it “bloody good fun”.

Although the rabbit law community has embraced restorative justice, it was worked out that the costs and time involved in having McGraw apologise to all his victims would tie up the local constabulary for the next 3 years. As a compromise the owner of the coffee shop was allowed to make rude gestures at him for 15 minutes before he was led away to start his custodial sentence.

The price of crime is brutal around here.

STOP PRESS: McGraw has escaped from his medium security prison burrow by apparently tunnelling out. Strange that, for a rabbit..

(o:3

Rabbit Loves...

2007-05-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

Rabbit says: "Tired of those yellow tombstones at the front of your mouth? When you talk to ladies, do you say hello and they say o-hell? Whiten your life with this safe* easily applied two step process that will leave you a better bunny, and increase your chances of a little bunny action.**"

* Side effects may include gum bleeding, metallic taste, enamel dissolution, brain haemorrhage and sudden death. Use in proximity to mucous membranes has been shown to result in deposition of product in soft, hard and squishy tissues. Not to be used in region of mouth. All purchases non-refundable. Best of luck and all that.

** The use of this product may or may not increase your chances of copping off with the opposite gender - or the same gender if that's what floats your carrot. You may still remain the sad, desperate verminous animal you were in the first place. Sometimes life can be a bitch, and no overpriced toxic cosmetic product can change that. Tough.

Annual EuroRodent competition ends in farce

2007-05-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The 22nd annual EuroRodent song contest degenerated into farce in the luxurious Slough Travel-Grim Hotel, Leisure Complex and Chip Shop over the weekend, when the French delegation stormed out of the competition.

Philippe Pouff, a hard rocking vole and the Gallic entry, was let down by sound technicians and exposed as lip-synching when the song he was expecting (“Le vole est comme un tigre) was mistakenly substituted for “Ging Gang Goolie”, one of last years entries sung in Greek by a gerbil.

The stage was briefly invaded by irate French hamsters who tried to improvise a guillotine whilst chanting “Killez le Directeur!!” before being cleared from the stage by security rats..

With tactical voting by some of the minor states (with no taste in music but major gas pipeline interdependencies) the final result was in the balance until the end, when unexpectedly the French entry won. Uproar ensued and world war 3 broke out as 26 other countries invaded the stage in a frenzy of fur and blood.

As tear gas and water cannons were deployed the final titles played to a black screen.

Organizers look forward to the next festival of multicultural peace, understanding, and harmony which will take place in Paris in 12 months time.

Police cutbacks: Animal units feel the bite

2007-05-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

London, UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Further cost constraints affecting public services were unveiled yesterday, with controversial new proposals to curb the spiralling costs of police animals.

“I don’t think the public understand the costs involved in good animal husbandry. The food, accommodation, training, vets fees, choccy drops – it all adds up”, said DCI Edgar Grope of the Slumberside Police Animal Squad; “We think that these proposals will free up resources with minimal impact.”

Recognizing the increasing costs of maintaining a mounted force in urban areas, DCI Grope unveiled proposals to allow the current fleet of horses to be “run-down” and recycled into a range of high-end, revenue-generating adhesive products. “It could be a bit of a money spinner.”, Grope explained.

In their place, the Slumberside force unveiled detailed plans to provide local constabularies with leased “lifelike faux-equine facsimile suits” (pictured right) for essential police work at football matches and protests, for the purposes of public control. “Leasing is highly cost effective, although we hear there may be limited supply due to a high number of previous bookings from November to the beginning of February. Negotiations are ongoing.”

“Oh no they’re not.”, heckled an unconvinced large hairy reporter with four hooves, from the back of the press conference.

Ignoring this, Grope also unveiled plans to streamline the canine force.

“Many people are not aware of the physical capabilities of rabbits. We’ve been testing an elite group of rabbits in drug detection, track-and-search, and attack and containment, and we’ve been very surprised by the results. They’re cheaper to run and can fit on your lap - so we don't need big vans.”

When challenged about how vicious such trained rabbit were, Grope defended the move; “They’re highly effective animals. They can be trained to go straight for the jugular or for soft, fleshy parts on command. They get a little confused with soft, fleshy jugulars, but these are teething problems that can be overcome”

We will monitor the story as it unfolds..

“Changing Burrows" show of shame likely to result in legal action

2007-05-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

Producers of the BunBC makeover TV show Changing Burrows were taking legal advice yesterday as the fallout from their bungled makeover continued.

Grimditch housebunny Glenda Hopplethwaite has taken legal advice and is looking to recover the costs of putting right the damage done to her modest 2-up 2-down burrow near the civic recycling facility in the Lancashire mining town.

Glenda invited the makers of the hit show into her burrow, and swapped keys with estranged neighbour Missy Marple to perform a makeover on the living and dining areas.

What was a slightly dated but entirely usable family area, was converted by long-time show designer Larry Llewellyn-Bunny, into a rococo themed purple and black spa retreat, complete with plunge pools and mirrored ceiling. The intention, according to Llewellyn-Bunny was to be “classic and contemporary, like wearing leg-warmers during a game of Monopoly”.

No, we didn’t know what that meant either.

“It looked like the kind of place you might pick up a venereal disease from sitting down”, spits Hopplethwaite, “and if that puffed up designer is ever within range again I intend to remove any body parts that he could conceivably catch one with…”

The office of the show (currently being considered for a fifth series) gave a written statement: “We deeply regret the current situation, and sympathise with the upset that Ms Hopplethwaite has experienced. The BunBC accept no responsibility whatsoever, and if we ever find the designer in question we’ll be really cross with him. Promise.”

Llewellyn-Bunny was unavailable for comment, and the entrance to his neo-classical bunny retreat in Surrey was being guarded by two large bunnyguards.

If he wasn’t a rabbit, we’d call him a chicken.

(o:3

Disquiet on the farms and in the fields..

2007-05-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

Surrey, UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

Shockwaves are rippling across the countryside today as a campaign by the Cow Protection League is unleashed upon an unsuspecting public.

Glossy, full page adverts (seen above) have been placed in multiple publications aimed at an array of species - Cowsmopolitan (click on the picture to enlarge), Gerbil's Journal, Shrew Review - and even human publications such as AutoTrader. Oddly.

Spokesman for the cow pressure group, "Ribeye" Rusty Fetlock complains, "For too long cows have been oppressed, and it's time we took the lead. Our previous campaign - 'Eat less Cow' had a minimal impact on consumption, so we thought we'd re-brand it."

He continues; "Cows dream of more than grass and farting - we have hopes, dreams.. ..um.. ..indigestion.. ...and dreams. Our aim is to have a cow live long enough to do something useful, and win a Nobel prize."

First impressions would suggest that sheep groups (otherwise known as flocks) appear to be oblivious. Flossy, chewing quietly on some hay in a nearby field looked unimpressed. "Baa", she said, before urinating.

Dig a little deeper and it is apparent that this is a campaign unlikely to be free of controversy, and prominent media houses have already been approached by radical breakaway flocks seeking to redress the balance.

This could get ugly.

Good show.

(o;3

What to Wear - Etiquette pt. 2

2007-05-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

Rabbit Etiquette Part 2: The Outfit

Continuing our etiquette trip, we move on to what to wear for your society occasions.

There is only one place to go for outfits when you’re an animal of distinction – Pugsley’s in Dulcimer Row, W1. They have a quality selection of ready-to-wear bear-wear, soft and sheer deer-gear – but they are most famous for their made to measure evening suits.

These are seriously expensive, so you could always try the charity shop around the corner. I once picked up a slightly used Vers-hutch-y jacket there. It’s beautifully made but admittedly I’ll need to lose a few grams. And I’m sure threadbare orange gingham will come back into fashion soon.

Luckily for the Rabbit-about-Town who is high on class but short on brass, the upper echelons of bunny social class are tolerant of clothesless-ness. But there are a number of essential things to consider;

1. Hair should be clean and straw free
2. Ears should be parted down the middle
3. Nails should be clipped and filed, with cuticles under control
4. Furballs should be expelled in advance of the event
5. A bow-tie for the Bucks, and a bloom for the Does
6. No tattoos or Bunberrys pattern fabric – too trailerpark.

Do not try what Neville did last year – at a prominent burrow-warming he thought he would be humourous and arrive in fancy dress. Tragically for Neville – who is a fairly portly Bunny – the only costume that would fit him was that of a sleek, red fox. The somewhat startled guests grabbed the nearest available defence that they had, and stoned him relentlessly until he stopped moving, then went about him with a broom handle. We had a really good laugh about it at the animal hospital after he came out of the coma, recovered his memory, and the broken jaw and ribs healed.

Classic.

Anyway, more etiquette tips to follow.

Pressure Group Round on Sad Bunch of Idiots..

2007-05-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

Establishment figures were reeling yesterday, as calls from prominent rabbits united to demand the strict regulation of clowns.

The trigger for this extraordinary disquiet was a meeting to discuss an incident that took place last month during a performance at Gyppo’s circus in Wigan. Buff the miniature lop, a member of the circus for several years, was mistaken for a soft toy by Flaccid Sid the Clown who playfully lobbed him to Wincey the lioness. In the resulting attack, Wincey was mauled severely by the diminutive rabbit, and Police took Buff into detention.

Following further enquiries and genetic testing, Buff was found to have elements of the outlawed “Pit Bull-type” dog DNA in his system. In accordance with the law his behavioural characteristics were profiled, and he was humanely fatally killed.

“This tragic chain of events need never have happened if proper checks had been performed on Sid”, raged Bunty Punter, leader of the coalition; “He has a consistent history of being an utter dimwit, and has been on the State Imbecile Rehabilitation Program since he skewered a wombat during a performance in Gwent. He should never have been performing.”

The demands of the group include full Bunny Police background checks to uncover any history of rabbit abuse, a complete ban on flowers that squirt water, cars that fall apart, and registration of face painting patterns to make clowns easily identified in the street, should they wander.

Challenged as to whether this infringes human rights, Ms Punter was unrepentant: “The rabbit population deserve to know when threats like this are in their neighbourhood, that’s RABBIT rights.”

Predictably, reaction from the clown fraternity has been frankly weird. Happy Max, spokesman for the clown association PRATS, commented “Whahey! Look at my spinning bow tie! I do kids parties too you know..”

Punter is a rabbit on a mission, and is unconcerned that she may spoil the “fun” for fans of the face-painted twerps.

“Funny?”, she scoffs, “They scared the pellets out of me when I was a kid. No, we need to carefully control them and where they want to change, offer them counselling and rehabilitation if they need it.”

No official comment was forthcoming; “We don’t normally give quotes to Rabbit Press, they tend to be mean and insulting to humans.” a fat, bald, patronizing spokesman sniffed.

Fine by us.

The Truth is Somewhere Down a Burrow..

2007-05-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

(From the pages of todays Bunny Times)

On the Bunny Banks of Loch Lomond: Reporter Taffeta Catheter

Archived files obtained from the RAF base in Inverleakie have suggested a possible, shocking new reason for the recent spate of rabbit disappearances from the locality.

Morgan McWaterfountain worked hard to provide his family during the hardest of times and the harshest of winters. It was in January this year that he left to go carrot-napping at the local greengrocer, but after 24 (hungry) hours, it fell to his partner Agnes to raise the alarm. She was amazed.

"I was amazed", she says; "One minute he was there, the next - gone. There was so much snow we were worried he'd falled somewhere, so we got together a search team and went to look for him. We checked the pub-holes first, but couldn't find him anywhere. Vanished."

From the documents that came into our possession anonymously from the nearby RAF base, we show Agnes a photograph marked "Top Secret".

She points at the page; "His tracks? Are they?" We nod. "They just stop.. where could he have gone?"

It has been suggested that the strange disappearances have been due to Alien Bunny Abduction, who cruelly exploit the abductees to create horrific, bizarre hybrids for food. Or maybe just for the fun of it. We don't really know to be honest.

Evidence of this can be seen elsewhere in the Loch Lomond area, with some rabbits faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap on to the kitchen counter to get at the rabbit food - but allergic to glowing green rocks.

Others have more visible evidence of genetic manipulation.

The character pictured here is now in custody, having eaten his parents and 45 of his siblings. So there are risks.

Sadly for Agnes, Morgan did not return.

Which brings us to the alternative explanation.

Whilst Morgan returned half cut from the Pub-Hole (having traded the carrots for fermented lettuce juice) a ruddy great bird flew down, grabbed him, leaving feather marks in the snow, and flew off.

And then ate him.

Tough life being a rabbit..

Rabbit Etiquette: The invitation.

2007-05-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

Well, we’re almost back into Rabbit Society time.. The garden (eating) parties, the cucumber sandwiches (although being rabbits we normally skip the bread) the small talk. The ladies. The loneliness… (*sigh*)

Anyway, I was thinking: “How can I help my fellow Rabbits? How can I leave a legacy that improves our lot and inspires us to better ourselves?”

Rabbit etiquette.

Ok – it’s not world peace or the everlasting carrot, but it avoids those embarrassing moments when you meet your hostess with grass around your mouth, or lettuce breath. So I thought I might serialise a few of them in the run up to society events.

1. How to respond to an invitation.

Invitations are received, not sought. A good winters networking in the burrows of influence should, if you’re fortunate, move you into the spheres of power where a carrot juice cocktail party should be a regular event.

Do not disgrace yourself like Neville did last year. There was an unfortunate event at the office Bunnymass party where Neville (dressed as a well padded Santa Paws) caused an incident (which I may relate some other time), which harmed his social situation.

Come late spring the elegant, plain, gilt-edged invitations for the Buck Ball (hosted by Lady Furfoot-Fuzzygusset) were dispatched in their beautiful, paw-written, embossed, scented, watermarked envelopes.

Of course by the time they reached their recipients, those that had not disappeared in transit had been reduced by the Bunny Mail to mangled, dirty, dog-eared pulp, cut open on the off chance that there was something of value within.

Anyway, mine arrived eventually and was still readable. I wrote a short, direct reply with appropriate thanks, and indicating my delight at confirming I would attend.

Neville received no invitation.

Assuming it had been lost in a sorting warren somewhere, he took it upon himself to visit upon her Ladyship to ask for a replacement invitation.

Mistake. You should never embarrass a lady bunny of means in this way.

Second mistake: Upon meeting with the hostess, when it becomes apparent that you have made the first mistake it is inappropriate to beg, cry, throw your glass of lettuce tea into the fireplace in disgust and bite the nearest servant – before being carted away by the bunny constabulary screaming like a girl.

Such impetuousness is detrimental to the chances of an invite the following year.

Neville shared a cell that night with a recently arrested rogue mail worker rabbit, a "lady" rabbit with an Adam’s apple and big paws - and a bar of soap.

Oddly, he doesn’t talk about it much.

(o;3

Shocking, Exclusive Report..

2007-05-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Berkshire, UK: Reporter Buck Tricep

Bun Pitt (not his real name) is an imposing rabbit. Half Giant Dutch, half lop, his face looks like a dropped pie, and one ear hangs lazily over the left socket where his eye used to be.

“It’s this that did me for fighting”, he says in a flat Brummie drone, pointing to the cavity; “some pikey hare with long fingers. I was so upset.”

Talking like this could easily get Bun killed. He was a member of the highly dangerous, unregulated, and illegal twilight world of “Rabbit Fight Club”, an increasingly worrying phenomenon amongst otherwise respectable male rabbits. Participants come from all walks of life: Some fight for the buzz, some because they have little else to do. Bun’s story is not unusual;

“I was doing ok; just stuck in a rut and a bit of a slave to the mortgage. I had a hundred and six leverets to support and a fairly large loan on the warren. I got by, but it didn’t do much for my self esteem.”

He frequented pub-holes where he noticed a few of the regulars sporting black eyes and injured paws; “I was worried the place was going downhill a bit”.

But it wasn’t long until he was approached by the leader of the local chapter; “He bought me a carrot juice and seemed to know just what I was thinking. All my weak spots.”

At his first fight he was made to go paw-to-paw with a wheelchair-bound three-legged guinea-pig; “We used to call him ‘Punchbag’. As he was being wheeled off to animal hospital I did feel quite.. .liberated.”,

But with this came increasing confidence; “I took on better fighters, some had all their limbs and everything. But it was never going to end well now was it?” he winks at me. (Or it may have been blinking. It’s quite hard to tell.)

We approached the local constabulary –Superintending Rabbit Inspector “Dirty” Harry Bunnigan appeared reticent; “I can’t talk about Rabbit Fight Club”.

Challenged again, he rubbed his black eye; “I still can’t talk about Rabbit Fight Club.”

Our files are in the paws of Buckinghamshire Rabbit Police Force, but we’re not sure what they’ll do with them as we did our investigation in Berkshire.

But there you are.

Ideal Burrow Exhibition?? What?!

2007-05-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

We Rabbits are inventive and practical. Many times in animal annals the bunny has come to the rescue with a simple, workable solution to one of life’s little conundrums.

Or so I thought.

I was at the Ideal Burrows Exhibition in London today, and I have never seen such a lamentable, sad, sorry collection of utter crap in my entire life. And I’m understating this on purpose.

After paying my entry fee and shelling out the extra for the floorplan and Crapola stall guide, I wandered from floor to floor, door to door, stunned. Stall after stall of useless gadgets and widgets, gimmicks and whatsits.

Examples:

What burrow would be complete without the Bunny PC?

Mine is...

Or what about the Bunny wireless router?

(OK, actually I sort of fancy one of these..)

And for when the leverets are playing up, the rabbitcom..

The rabbit tap. I mean.. ..just.. ..why?

(And what brave bunny modelled for it?)

Suffice to say, a waste of a day of my short life, a waste of my money, and a waste of effort on the part of all those sweatshop bunnies working in the far east.

It has been said I'm turning into a grumpy old bunny. I may have to write a strongly worded letter of complaint to the Bunny Times.

Oh - enjoy the bank holiday.

)o:<3

Poll day debacle..

2007-05-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Scotland (Reporter Rabbit McSporran)

Beaurocrats from Holyrood are still scratching their heads this evening, the high numbers of spoiled papers that had to be discarded from last nights bonkers ballot leaving them amazed.

“We’re amazed” said Angus McCheeseburger, ruefully scratching his head, “We just can’t work out what went wrong.. Some of them just ate their crayons..”

Before the election ballot papers were extensively tested, and not just on humans. Multiple, democracy savvy species were given the voting forms, with some vermin voters prodded in trials even lacking opposable thumbs but scientists reported they made a “reasonable fist” out of them. Rabbits reassuringly scored well with 99.97% successful completion rates.

The exhaustive testing finally showed acceptable understanding of the voting form bottomed out at a level somewhere between cabbage and PE instructor.

A quick straw poll on Sauchiehall Street about the situation was inconclusive: “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about”, said rabbit Kylie Localsh, age 9 months.

“What was the question?”, Jim Teacher, age 32

McCheeseburger continued; “We’ll think how it can be made simpler – but in future we might just let the candidates fill in the ballot forms, like they do in Birmingham.”

Footnote: Campaigning for positions on Bunny Councils nationwide has been thrown into chaos after the deputy leader of the single issue “Re-film Watership Down Alliance” boxed the ears of an egg-throwing protester during a rally at a Stockport burrow. Police reports are expected after they have finished cooking an omelette.

Celebrity news..

2007-05-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

I don't normally dabble in these kind of things, but..

My sources close to all things celebrity have uncovered a quite remarkable faux-story being played out in the twinkly streets of Tinsel Town.

Long time personal-issue media expose queen Britney Spears (Pictured - being surprised by fearless bunny reporter Earnie O'Hare), has had more than her fair share of issues of late - but can you guess what pushed her over the edge into rehab?

Drink? Drugs? The end of her second marriage?

None of the above. We can exclusively reveal that Britney sought professional help to try and come to terms with a mystery condition that is affecting many ailing celebrities both here and abroad. Britney was in conflict with her Inner Rabbit.

Until very recently Britney has been a huge consumer of lettuce and carrots, making "vzz" noises and licking herself clean. Previously explained away by friends and entourage as Britney "just being a bit weird, like" it took a chance encounter with reknowned Professor of Bunnythropomorphism, LeRoy Spatula at a lettuce dependancy support group for the diagnosis to be made.

Swiftly, arrangements were made for Brit to be admitted to The Warren in Beverly Hills for concentrated therapy sessions of fluffy ear wearing, cotton tail preening, and water bottle practice.

After hopping around the exercise yard eating her own poo and attempting to tunnel under the perimeter wall using her teeth, Britney was deemed "Adjusted" and given a conditional discharge from the hospital before she could do any more damage.

Apparently now on the road to recovery she was recently back on the stage singing, and the professionals think that her once shiny coat will grow back in a couple of months. But Professor Spatula urges caution; "Your inner rabbit is a fragile thing. It could be a throw-away comment, a missed meal or marrying Kevin Federline. They're all highly risky behaviours."

A lesson for us all there.

(o:3

Speed dating.. the aftermath

2007-05-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

Oh my head…

You have no idea how unwell I have felt today.. and I only have a vague recollection about last night.. ..and what little I remember I’m trying to forget.

I had on a cheeky little Cologne, a glint in my eye, my little black book and a new Biro - wouldn’t want to run out at such a crucial moment. Left the snuff at home as it makes me sneeze..

I paid my fee, and got my glass of punch. It was a secluded field, near the nightclub burrows, and the late evening sun made the lady bunnies look.. ..well.. ..well, they had tattoos. They worked in construction. THEY DUG BURROWS FOR A LIVING.

Neville set me up with a single night for associates of the BUNNY BURROW BUILDER association.

I sat through a couple of rounds, but after a conversations such as:

Me; “How do you do. I’m Rabbit. I like to travel the world and meet people”
Lady bunny; “Hello. I’m Glenda. I dig toilets.”

Or;

Me; “So, what was the last book you read?”
Lady bunny, menacingly; “BOOK? Are you trying to start a fight?”
(I ran away apologizing..)

Well, after such deep and meaningful interactions, I had another glass of punch. And then another. And then another. I don’t remember much else…

This morning..?

But I did find a phone number in my book this morning.. ..for someone called Charlie.

Now is that short for Charlotte, or Charles…?

Speed dating?

Never again…

)o:3

Ad break: Rabbit Loves...

2007-05-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Ariel Bunnywashing Liquid..

Rabbit says; “For all your bunny washing needs, I recommend this fine soap-based detergent augmented with flash sounding pseudo-science. Simply add a capful to a bowl of warm water and release the lactivated pimposomes to smooth away flyaway fake fur and split ends. It might burn your scalp a bit but that soon settles down.. ..it's so worth it.”*

[This is a pre-recorded message from our sponsor as Rabbit is out of the office meeting hot bunny chicks. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow – unless he gets lucky.]

(o;3

(*Disclaimer: Do not wash genuine rabbits in Ariel. If you're so thick that you think washing a real bunny in laundry detergent is a good idea, please, please do not have children.)

-EOM-

Sun and ceremonies..

2007-04-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

Wasn’t it a nice day today…? I nipped out the back and caught a few rays, set up the bunny cam on a timed exposure (so you can admire my svelte, buff, beanie bod – I lost 4 grams last week!) only to spot a red kite circling overhead. The picture shows me looking a little surprised, and about to run very quickly in the opposite direction..

And there’s me going on about my life not avoiding birds of prey..

I’ve been literally inundated with an email today, from a well-wisher who’s been on the prowl for all things a liberated Rabbit should be kept informed about. Bearing in mind our somewhat controversial attitude to monogamy, and conjugal indifference (I am of course totally different in this respect – I am a New-Rabbit) I am delighted to bring you the following..

[Here come’s the bride, all dressed in fur..]

Now I have a fairly limited wardrobe, but I do know how to carry off a chapeau. That BIG one looks like he’s eaten a Blues Brother..

Many thanks to my correspondent, but in the true style of an upwardly-mobile Rabbit, I was actually invited to the event.

Trust me, a society occasion it was NOT.

The brides parents disgraced themselves – Mummy rabbit went commando, revealed when she fell over doing the bunny-cokey, and Daddy got "tired and emotional", falling asleep face down in a bowl of bunny kibble. His bleary eyes lit up later in the evening when the food ran out (a CARDINAL sin at a rabbit function) as all the similarly intoxicated female guests went in for what he thought was a peck on the cheek, but in reality was to pick off the bits of dried food stuck to his aged bunny jowls.. As the happy (drunk, morose, arguing) couple left, the bridesmaids (all 300ish cousins of the bride) went to work on getting to know the single male bunnies a bit better.

And not a single one of them tried to cop off with me.

I wonder if it was the monocle..?

Speed dating tomorrow. Going to go a little more contemporary - I think offering them some snuff could be a winner..

Criminal activity in the Shires..

2007-04-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

Times are hard for us..

Feelings are running high in Wiltshire where recent greenhouse raids have denuded the horticultural population of large amounts of pakchoi, and resulted in prosecutions and ASBOs galore (Anti-Social Bunny Orders). A minority of bad rabbits spoiling it for us law abiding long-ears.

But no one could have expected this..

[Click here for scandalous news]

Who would have believed it? Columbunny is apparently shining his private glass eye as we speak to investigate this scary state of affairs..

Speed dating set up for Tuesday.

Paws crossed everyone..

(o;3

Rabbits need some bunny to hug..

2007-04-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

In the high pressure era of freeze-dried, flat-packed, high-speed, quick-dry, one-coat, fast-track life, it's hard for the successful Rabbit about town to find a little bunny to hop around with. A bunny to hug. A little lady bunny who might say "I doe".

("Doe" - do you see what I did there..?)

I do meet lady bunnies, but there are so many with "issues". There are the hard drinking "buckettes", the less than beautiful bunny boilers, the precious honey-bunnies, the desperate housebunnies; the list goes on.

So I'm seriously thinking about "Rabbit speed-dating": My associate Neville (so often affected by tragedy) tried it a couple of weeks ago. Corner of a shady field, lead rabbit with an egg-timer and a circle of lady bunnies waiting to be impressed by a Rabbit of means. (That's me, if you hadn't guessed..)

He hit it off with a little lady bunny, went to a little night-club burrow, and drank chilled carrot juice until dawn. They left paw-in-paw and licked the dew off the spring grass. It was all too perfect.

He walked her along the road to her burrow oblivious to everything else, and as she gazed into his eyes the van delivering the early morning post ran over her head..

Que sera sera I suppose. I'll let you know how it goes..

(o:3

Well, here I am..

2007-04-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce myself..

I'm Rabbit, and despite what you may think, my life is not all munching grass and avoiding birds of prey. Oh no. There's much more depth to your average Rabbit than you may think at first glance...

I travel the world (usually in hand luggage, admittedly), enjoy opera and fine wine (when they remember to put it in my drinks bottle), eat out in some of the best fields in the country and enjoy days at the best spas (see picture).

The world is a different place through the eyes of a small furry being with a beanie bum, and I thought it was high time to share it with all of you. It's a responsibility being me you know..

So bookmark me, visit often, and participate in my guide to life.

You owe it yourself.

(o;3