Rodent Wimbledon confirms introduction of HawkEye technology

Sport: Reporter Euphemia Forklift

The All England Rodent Tennis Association has confirmed that for the first time since the inception of the Rodent Wimbledon tournament, competitors will be able to refer disputed calls for arbitration to HawkEye.

This came as a complete surprise for the aging former M*A*S*H star Alan Alda, who has been a bit light on regular work since West Wing went a bit crap. He has got himself a new pair of glasses, a loudhailer, and has been practising saying ‘BEEP’ loudly, ready for the event.

“I was surprised when my agent told me - I had no idea Hawkeye was so popular in the tennis fraternity”, said the Hollywood personality, speaking from his home in the Hamptons, “I’d be right over to London to shake paws with the organizers, but I’m snowed-under right now doing the voice of Captain Cheese in the new PizzaShed advert.”

First indications are that it will not be a straightforward transition for the actor: At a low level RTA tournament at Long Beach he narrowly avoided being arrested after inadvertently stepping onto the court, squashing one of the ball-voles during a particularly long rally; “I apologised to the family, gave them some nuts, and a Woody Allen DVD. Oddly enough that seemed to make things worse..” he defends.

Organizers are hoping that Alda’s well rehearsed anti-war sentiments will help quell the fiery temper of John MacEnrat, famous for taking major strops, and pushing recalcitrant Umpires chairs over when annoyed.

“Some have suggested that this is a cynical ploy to increase exposure for our tournament, and they’re right.”, said Humphrey StickPritt-PrittStick, tournament director, “Human Wimbledon have electronic things that go ‘beep’ and we wanted that too, but Alan Alda was cheaper and makes much the same noise. Have you seen him in M*A*S*H?”

Rabbit says: The tournament kicks off at Wimbledon Sewage Works on 3rd July. Take a clothes peg for your nose.

(o;3

Annual EuroRodent competition ends in farce

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The 22nd annual EuroRodent song contest degenerated into farce in the luxurious Slough Travel-Grim Hotel, Leisure Complex and Chip Shop over the weekend, when the French delegation stormed out of the competition.

Philippe Pouff, a hard rocking vole and the Gallic entry, was let down by sound technicians and exposed as lip-synching when the song he was expecting (“Le vole est comme un tigre) was mistakenly substituted for “Ging Gang Goolie”, one of last years entries sung in Greek by a gerbil.

The stage was briefly invaded by irate French hamsters who tried to improvise a guillotine whilst chanting “Killez le Directeur!!” before being cleared from the stage by security rats..

With tactical voting by some of the minor states (with no taste in music but major gas pipeline interdependencies) the final result was in the balance until the end, when unexpectedly the French entry won. Uproar ensued and world war 3 broke out as 26 other countries invaded the stage in a frenzy of fur and blood.

As tear gas and water cannons were deployed the final titles played to a black screen.

Organizers look forward to the next festival of multicultural peace, understanding, and harmony which will take place in Paris in 12 months time.