Sunday Smut: Hollywood dog-star’s sordid past uncovered

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The streets of Doggywood drip with hot gossip today, as a shocking proof reel unearthed from a kinky collectors private stash floats to the surface like the bloated corpse of a ruined career.

Dog legend Classie, famous for such wholesome classics as “Classie Saves the Fluffy Kittens”, “Classie Burns Down the Temple of Set” and “Classie Uncovers Systematic and Persistent Corporate Fraud by Senior Executives at Enron” has been exposed as having filmed a short feature which exposes her as more of a doggy-stylist than ever thought before.

“Classie Does Dallas”, a feature pre-dating her commercial successes, shows the disgraced canine touring Texas and hitting several hot-spots in an X-rated rumble that would make her legions of fans gasp in shock. In scenes too explicit to describe, Classie meets a burly Swedish Alsatian by a fire hydrant, and stokes the flames of passion to a Motown soundtrack. Others see her dressing up as a kennel-maid and making out with a mongrel on a damp mattress, throwing wet lettuce at a Schnauzer in a disused bowling alley, and shaving a badger on a grassy knoll.

Human carer Spud Heathermax released a statement to the press saying, “Classie wants it to be known that these low-budget features were filmed at a time when she was struggling to establish herself in the industry. She considers herself a victim of the casting dog-bed phenomenon that was prevalent at that time, when self-sacrifice was often the only way to get ahead. She was poor, hungry, and did it for the bones.”

Classie has gone to ground, but a plethora of wicked websites have sprung up offering dodgy-downloads in exchange for punters rampant readies, so this is a controversy that is unlikely to die down any time soon.

Rabbit says: Doggywood is a place where your past can come back to bite you, and you can be a primo-pooch one day, a dog’s-dinner the next. It’s disgusting and exploitative. Don’t you dare go and download it: Wait for the DVD – it’ll be much better quality.

Animal charity under threat from neo-con reactionaries

Newcastle, UK: Reporter Gisele Gazelle

A long running animal charity based in Newcastle is under imminent threat of closure as a three year long campaign of deranged ranting by the neo-conservative "Just Stop Doing Everything Now" pressure group escalates.

Animal Relate, a charitable organization, offers counselling and support for ostracised interspecies relationships, and has championed the cause of equal rights for odd couples throughout the northeast.

Spokesman Duncan Duckhugger explains, "These individuals have been picketing our premises, barracking our clients and fly-posting disturbing images in vets surgeries since 2004. They just don't seem to understand that love doesn't conform to species boundaries. A fox can love a giraffe, a cat can love a chicken. Anything goes really - and they don't always eat each other."

Such a pair are Tiddles and Roscoe - a Moggy and a Bulldog who were thrown together by their human carer 18 months ago. "At first I hissed and spit at him" says Tiddles, "but as I got to know him his bad breath and constant drooling seemed less important. I see the beautiful being under all the hair and mange. I do wish he'd stop licking his nuts though."

Roscoe was being taken for walkies and unavailable for comment.

"It violates the rule of nature" says Curt Squeezy, PR spokesman for the pressure group, "and we have employed entirely legal means to put our point across. That, together with the lynch mobs and petrol bombs - it's been highly effective."

He continues, "We will not rest until Dog lies with Bitch, Tom lies with Cat, and Brad and Jennifer get back together. It's how it should be."

The charity have approached the local Animal Court for a restraining order against the pressure group, but are pessimistic about the chances of success; "It's being heard by some bloke called Squeezy - and he's quite tough apparently."


Rabbit says: Nothing against this - but I just go for hot Bunny crumpet. At a push I wouldn't rule out a quinea pig though, if my current love life drought continues...

Rodent Wimbledon confirms introduction of HawkEye technology

Sport: Reporter Euphemia Forklift

The All England Rodent Tennis Association has confirmed that for the first time since the inception of the Rodent Wimbledon tournament, competitors will be able to refer disputed calls for arbitration to HawkEye.

This came as a complete surprise for the aging former M*A*S*H star Alan Alda, who has been a bit light on regular work since West Wing went a bit crap. He has got himself a new pair of glasses, a loudhailer, and has been practising saying ‘BEEP’ loudly, ready for the event.

“I was surprised when my agent told me - I had no idea Hawkeye was so popular in the tennis fraternity”, said the Hollywood personality, speaking from his home in the Hamptons, “I’d be right over to London to shake paws with the organizers, but I’m snowed-under right now doing the voice of Captain Cheese in the new PizzaShed advert.”

First indications are that it will not be a straightforward transition for the actor: At a low level RTA tournament at Long Beach he narrowly avoided being arrested after inadvertently stepping onto the court, squashing one of the ball-voles during a particularly long rally; “I apologised to the family, gave them some nuts, and a Woody Allen DVD. Oddly enough that seemed to make things worse..” he defends.

Organizers are hoping that Alda’s well rehearsed anti-war sentiments will help quell the fiery temper of John MacEnrat, famous for taking major strops, and pushing recalcitrant Umpires chairs over when annoyed.

“Some have suggested that this is a cynical ploy to increase exposure for our tournament, and they’re right.”, said Humphrey StickPritt-PrittStick, tournament director, “Human Wimbledon have electronic things that go ‘beep’ and we wanted that too, but Alan Alda was cheaper and makes much the same noise. Have you seen him in M*A*S*H?”

Rabbit says: The tournament kicks off at Wimbledon Sewage Works on 3rd July. Take a clothes peg for your nose.

(o;3