Sunday Smut: Hollywood dog-star’s sordid past uncovered

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

The streets of Doggywood drip with hot gossip today, as a shocking proof reel unearthed from a kinky collectors private stash floats to the surface like the bloated corpse of a ruined career.

Dog legend Classie, famous for such wholesome classics as “Classie Saves the Fluffy Kittens”, “Classie Burns Down the Temple of Set” and “Classie Uncovers Systematic and Persistent Corporate Fraud by Senior Executives at Enron” has been exposed as having filmed a short feature which exposes her as more of a doggy-stylist than ever thought before.

“Classie Does Dallas”, a feature pre-dating her commercial successes, shows the disgraced canine touring Texas and hitting several hot-spots in an X-rated rumble that would make her legions of fans gasp in shock. In scenes too explicit to describe, Classie meets a burly Swedish Alsatian by a fire hydrant, and stokes the flames of passion to a Motown soundtrack. Others see her dressing up as a kennel-maid and making out with a mongrel on a damp mattress, throwing wet lettuce at a Schnauzer in a disused bowling alley, and shaving a badger on a grassy knoll.

Human carer Spud Heathermax released a statement to the press saying, “Classie wants it to be known that these low-budget features were filmed at a time when she was struggling to establish herself in the industry. She considers herself a victim of the casting dog-bed phenomenon that was prevalent at that time, when self-sacrifice was often the only way to get ahead. She was poor, hungry, and did it for the bones.”

Classie has gone to ground, but a plethora of wicked websites have sprung up offering dodgy-downloads in exchange for punters rampant readies, so this is a controversy that is unlikely to die down any time soon.

Rabbit says: Doggywood is a place where your past can come back to bite you, and you can be a primo-pooch one day, a dog’s-dinner the next. It’s disgusting and exploitative. Don’t you dare go and download it: Wait for the DVD – it’ll be much better quality.

Police cutbacks: Animal units feel the bite

London, UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Further cost constraints affecting public services were unveiled yesterday, with controversial new proposals to curb the spiralling costs of police animals.

“I don’t think the public understand the costs involved in good animal husbandry. The food, accommodation, training, vets fees, choccy drops – it all adds up”, said DCI Edgar Grope of the Slumberside Police Animal Squad; “We think that these proposals will free up resources with minimal impact.”

Recognizing the increasing costs of maintaining a mounted force in urban areas, DCI Grope unveiled proposals to allow the current fleet of horses to be “run-down” and recycled into a range of high-end, revenue-generating adhesive products. “It could be a bit of a money spinner.”, Grope explained.

In their place, the Slumberside force unveiled detailed plans to provide local constabularies with leased “lifelike faux-equine facsimile suits” (pictured right) for essential police work at football matches and protests, for the purposes of public control. “Leasing is highly cost effective, although we hear there may be limited supply due to a high number of previous bookings from November to the beginning of February. Negotiations are ongoing.”

“Oh no they’re not.”, heckled an unconvinced large hairy reporter with four hooves, from the back of the press conference.

Ignoring this, Grope also unveiled plans to streamline the canine force.

“Many people are not aware of the physical capabilities of rabbits. We’ve been testing an elite group of rabbits in drug detection, track-and-search, and attack and containment, and we’ve been very surprised by the results. They’re cheaper to run and can fit on your lap - so we don't need big vans.”

When challenged about how vicious such trained rabbit were, Grope defended the move; “They’re highly effective animals. They can be trained to go straight for the jugular or for soft, fleshy parts on command. They get a little confused with soft, fleshy jugulars, but these are teething problems that can be overcome”

We will monitor the story as it unfolds..