Condemned bird flu chicken pleads – “It’s just a bit of a cold”

Surrey UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

A life and death tussle makes it to the Animal High court on Thursday, as Fenella the chicken makes a final plea for her life. She’s been through the system, and the cluck stops here.

Fenella was shopped by fellow free-range birds when she developed sneezing, runny eyes, stiff muscles, and feverish shivers: “Someone helpfully told me chicken soup was good for colds. What a wit.” she ruefully explains.

“I felt pretty rotten, and was right off my grain. I was laying hard boiled eggs so I just took to my nest to sweat it out” she explains, “and I’m sure I would have been just fine. But the other hens in the coop went nuts, running around pointing and shouting ‘FLU! FLU!’”

Ace chicken entrepreneur Farmer Arthur “Chicken Charmer” Palmer, seeing his pampered poultry going coop-crazy, couldn’t help but notice Fenella; “She was huddled in the corner, drinking a cup of Lemsip and inhaling menthol from a handkerchief. Never seen them drinking anything like it in my flock. They normally just microwave a mug of hot chocolate at roosting time.”

Farmer Palmer notified the authorities, and government inspectors gave him grim news that they suspected bird flu had infiltrated his flock.

Fenella shudders: “Things just got worse with the other birds heckling me, throwing grain, and making those cutting gestures across their necks with their wings like you see in old mafia films. The stress of it all has made me lose my feathers..”

The final hearing will ironically be presided over by former crispy chicken magnate Judge “Colonel” Sanders. Any accusations of potential bias have been strongly rebuffed; “Chicken hater? No, no - you don’t understand: I LOVE chickens. Particularly the breast meat.”

The final appeal against the earlier ruling will consider the facts of the case one final time before delivering a verdict in about a week, but given the lack of any new evidence legal eagles fear the worst.

Rabbit says: This is tragic. Fenella has impeccable credentials, and has been a “great lay” for years, according to Farmer Palmer. I hear the RSPCA are to investigate…

/o:3