Condemned bird flu chicken pleads – “It’s just a bit of a cold”

Surrey UK: Reporter Tub Thumper

A life and death tussle makes it to the Animal High court on Thursday, as Fenella the chicken makes a final plea for her life. She’s been through the system, and the cluck stops here.

Fenella was shopped by fellow free-range birds when she developed sneezing, runny eyes, stiff muscles, and feverish shivers: “Someone helpfully told me chicken soup was good for colds. What a wit.” she ruefully explains.

“I felt pretty rotten, and was right off my grain. I was laying hard boiled eggs so I just took to my nest to sweat it out” she explains, “and I’m sure I would have been just fine. But the other hens in the coop went nuts, running around pointing and shouting ‘FLU! FLU!’”

Ace chicken entrepreneur Farmer Arthur “Chicken Charmer” Palmer, seeing his pampered poultry going coop-crazy, couldn’t help but notice Fenella; “She was huddled in the corner, drinking a cup of Lemsip and inhaling menthol from a handkerchief. Never seen them drinking anything like it in my flock. They normally just microwave a mug of hot chocolate at roosting time.”

Farmer Palmer notified the authorities, and government inspectors gave him grim news that they suspected bird flu had infiltrated his flock.

Fenella shudders: “Things just got worse with the other birds heckling me, throwing grain, and making those cutting gestures across their necks with their wings like you see in old mafia films. The stress of it all has made me lose my feathers..”

The final hearing will ironically be presided over by former crispy chicken magnate Judge “Colonel” Sanders. Any accusations of potential bias have been strongly rebuffed; “Chicken hater? No, no - you don’t understand: I LOVE chickens. Particularly the breast meat.”

The final appeal against the earlier ruling will consider the facts of the case one final time before delivering a verdict in about a week, but given the lack of any new evidence legal eagles fear the worst.

Rabbit says: This is tragic. Fenella has impeccable credentials, and has been a “great lay” for years, according to Farmer Palmer. I hear the RSPCA are to investigate…

/o:3

One doesn't like to brag but..

Have you seen the cover of September's Carrot Monthly..?

What can I say? My style, sophistication and wit have been recognized at last. Despite what Neville may try to tell you, it has nothing to do with the letters that I have been sending to the editor of the magazine every day for the last 3 years, and he's given in to me to shut me up. I just think it's taken him a while to fully appreciate my writing style.

Oh - and I found out about some of his unpublishable activities at Bunnyversity.

He LOVES my writing now...

I won't tell you the content of the article - I'm sure you'll want to run out and buy your own copy. But the top choice for this years carrot champagne crop is from the Valle du Lapin, where carrots that have grown fat and tasty on a diet of fresh spring water and southern French sunshine are lovingly crushed by fat lady bunnies into stout barrels, and aged in temperature controlled burrows deep under the hillside. It's then tasted, graded, bottled, and drunk by conoisseurs the world over.

See if you can spot a bottle in a good Bunny supplies store near you.


PS. Sorry to bore you with that old load of rubbish - but the producers of the premier cru from the Valle du Lapin promised me a few cases if I posted the label that they stick on the back of the bottle. I have ten being delivered this afternoon! Who'd have thought writing a blog could be so much fun?! I may have to invite over Mint Sauce ...

Incidentally - another requested plug: Carrot Monthly is brought to you by the publishers of Cowsmopolitan...

(o;3

What a Carrie on...

Update:

Thanks to all those who have been on the look out for our lost carrot.

There have been sightings from Rome to Romania and Tucson to Thailand, but the only picture that Neville believes may be his carrot was received from a sharp eyed Bunny in Barcelona. He was having a drink and saw a dainty lady carrot being propositioned by a large male with slicked back foliage. Judge for yourself (and add your own 70's Bom-chicka-wah-wah soundtrack..):


As time goes on I'm trying to suggest to Neville that Carrie may by now be a constituent part of a delicious soup, stew, casserole or carrot cake. Or paella.. Even if she has made it through the last couple of weeks it's likely that she's gone a bit brown and mushy.

I bought him a packet of seeds for him to plant out in the spring, and he cheered up a bit. The watercress soup smells bad, and has gone a bit thick - I can't get the spoon out. I'll suggest to him that it should be thrown away before the neighbours complain.

Hope is fading, but we appreciate all your efforts.

PS. DK and Orlando Bun: You were ruled out of the investigation fairly early on by Nevilles contacts at Interpol, but you rabbits always look a little hungry in your photos...

(o;3