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Eco-friendly Boring 797 revealed..

Science: Reporter Frank DeNile II

Everett, WA: Aviation media were treated to a glimpse of the future here today as the Boring Airline corporation’s latest make-or-break commercial airliner was unveiled.

Amid the fanfares, pom-poms and general ballyhoo of the whole occasion, it was hard not to notice it looked a little unfinished: There was duck-tape holding the wings on. Hubert K Wingnut, chief engineer clarified that it was “100% certain to resemble this prototype in at least 45% of the 30% of the structure that is structural. The non-structural structure is 99% certain to certainly not bear resemblance to 75% of the non-structural structure that you see here. It is unlikely that duck-tape will form a major structural or non-structural element.”

The most impressive innovation is in propulsion – no engine nacelles can be seen. Shunning high performance jets made with exotic alloys burning refined fuel and producing shedloads of greenhouse gases, a whole new power source has been developed..

Two hundred and seventy-five thousand domestic bluebottle flies will be glued on to the 200 foot wings, trained to fly in unison, and will hoist the aircraft, crew and 378 passengers aloft for short-haul flights.

“Flies are an under used source of power” Wingnut explains, “They are compact, easily replaced, and have a reasonable service life if given something sugary to suck on, and the occasional scattering of dung.”

He continues “They emit much less carbon dioxide and nitrogenous compounds, and they make much less noise. Those dwelling near large airports will notice only a gentle humming when one goes over, a bit like an asthmatic blowing on a kazoo.”

There is a problem “If they see a window they tend to fly at them, bouncing off and going 'bzzzz'. Obviously this could spill the drinks in first class so we’re experimenting with blinkers so they don’t get distracted during flights. It’s really just a teething problem.”

Order books for the new Flyliner open in October.

Wizard Rabbit takes on his nemesis in final novel

Arts: Reporter J. Philippus Gerbile

Around the world, rodents queued up last night to be the first to get their paws on the final chapter in the Harey Potter septology. Although critics feel the series has lost some of its initial impact, eager but bleary eyed bunnies will have leafed their way through the 706 page volume through the night.

Low key highlights in the latest volume include Bunndledore fighting a charmed carrot with an electric grater and a bottle of vinegrette, Dogred choking on a Percy Pott’s every-flavour raisin, Potter’s enemy Malfrog meeting an untimely end under the wheels of an in-flight service trolley, and Severus Snake having his credit card refused when trying to buy Wolfsbane on tick.

Squillionare author JK Bunling launched the book in London, and told those gathered, “I enjoyed writing this one more than all the others, because I switched from Works for Windows to Office 2003.”

Just before the final showdown between Potter and nemesis Voleymort, best friend Bun Weasley cops off with the evil necromancer who assumes the physical form of Cindy Crawford. The final chapter contains the biggest twist since Chubby Checker went platinum, and which we won’t spoil for those of you who intend to read the book.

Harey Potter and the Earthy Burrows is priced at between £16.98 and £16.99 and is available in every single book shop in the entire known universe.

Rabbit says: I’ve bought a copy of this for Neville for his birthday, but I’m toying with the idea of taking out the final page. I can save it for a highly economical Christmas present for him..

(o;3

Hollywood: Cow Diva chucks a wobbly..

Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall

Worrying times ahead for Jennifer Buffalopez, self styled cow-diva, who is hitting the headlines again with her love-life the subject of gossip and rumour – whilst at the same time her fans are deserting her in herds.

J-Buffa-Lo, recent winner of three prestigious “Patty” awards for her last album “Me and My Moo-sic” has been losing a worrying amount of weight since the first release from it, “Jenny from the Paddock”, met with howls of laughter from critics and her many previously faithful fans.

In the video, multi-millionaire Buffalopez parades her diamond encrusted ear tag, and wiggles her manicured hoof at the camera whilst singing lyrics such as “Don't be fooled by the silage that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the paddock”. Fans smelled more than a slight whiff of hypocrisy and didn’t buy it – in their millions.

Simultaneously long-term beau Ben Afflank – rumoured to be a bit of a rump man – has been caught on camera with a lap-dancing Fresian in a cheap byre off Sunset Strip. Buffalopez has changed the locks on her luxurious Bel-Aire barn, thrown his belongings on the rolling pasture outside and put up a barbed-wire fence at man-cow undercarriage level.

Her publicist, Bob Honk, denies any health problems; “J-Buffa-Lo has been on a low-grass diet and a new exercise regimen in preparation for her upcoming world tour, which she will undertake once we have sold some tickets. If you’re interested you can have two for a fiver..”

Picking winners: Rabbit reports

Henley Royal Regatta: One of the main society occasions of the year, and of course I pinned on my badges, did up my tie, brushed out my fur with a real bristle brush - and made for the enclosure..
Thought I'd share the highlights..

Well, I got the photos back from the chemist, and Neville almost managed to cut me out of this one completely. I'll have stern words with him later..
This is me by the landing stage. Those ones getting out had just lost, so I offered them a carrot to make them feel better, but they were quite sad. Neville almost got stood on eight times. Prat.

So I made for the bar, and a glass of something cool and fizzy. Pink carrot champagne on ice, two glasses - Neville is on the wagon following an episode at the local hostelry when he got his ears shaved for a bet - so I sort of hoped a lady bunny rowing-groupie might have stopped by.

Sadly not.. so I had to drink it all myself.

I staggered off to watch my hot tip in one of the events from the riverside; and they won! I of course had to congratulate the old chum of mine who was rowing in the boat, so tottered off to the boat club (which seemed like quite a long way) to congratulate him..

Here I am with Colin - a talented soul of impeccable breeding. Apparently he comes from a long line of Bunny appreciators, and I suspect he is at one with his inner Rabbit. His aura is carrot-coloured according to Neville (who thinks he has the makings of a vermin medium in him..).

Colin kindly got me another glass of carrot champagne, which I delicately dropped. He got me another one which he duct-taped to my paw as my grip strength is the first thing to go when I've had a couple of drinkies..

The rest of the event passed in a happy blur. The only unknown picture is of a distinguished looking gentleman who I apparently bored with tips on how to take care of facial hair. Having a pelt, I do flatter myself that I can take care of all things fuzzy. Well, everything fuzzy except Neville, who eventually did have a drink, and was seen being escorted off the premises by some gentlemen in bowler hats..
If the gentleman in the photo would like to get in touch, I have the styling mousse and straightening irons that I endorse ready for dispatch, when I receive the cheque.

(o;3

Out of burrow message - Gone rowing

Sorry bunny-huggers; I'm off mixing with the good folk at the Henley Royal Regatta, so sadly no updates for a few days. The good news is that Neville should be able to make it there some days, so there should be some stories to tell..

I'll toast your health in Carrot Juice cocktails..

(o;3

Chuck Norris’ stunt beard: Dispute shock

Hollywood: Reporter Hank Bunford

Walker, Texas Ranger, the successful high-kicking, kung-fu crazy martial arts knockabout show starring Hollywood hard man Chuck “I drank a vial of Bruce Lee’s sweat” Norris, is looking a shaky bet for the new season.

Ed the Beaver, Chuck’s key stunt beard on the show, has gone public on his lamentable pay and conditions, and has refused to film key fight scenes until his package is improved.

“Chuck’s beard isn’t as hard as the rest of him, and it’s heavily insured as it’s such an important part of the show: It gets some of the best lines after all” explains Ed, “so when the fight scenes are recorded, the beard gets put back into it’s oxygen tent, and I cling onto his chin.”

He continues, “It’s dangerous work. Both my front teeth are veneers which I had done after a disastrous numchuk gag in season 2. I had to cover the cost myself, and it wiped out pretty much my entire fee as stand in for Sharon Stone's bits on Basic Instinct."

After a surprise protest at a recent photo shoot (pictured) Ed has refused to return to work; “I’ve told Chuck – no more beaver on his face until I get fair pay for a fair days work.”

Horace Baloney, spokesman for the Rodent Actors Guild (RAG) sympathizes; “No one appreciates the unsung rodent heroes in high profile roles. There’s Sean Connery’s chest hair stand-in, Donald Trump’s Angora rabbit hare-piece – it’s really hard to balance on that head. It all deserves danger money, and being a stunt beaver must be more dangerous than most..”