Entertainment: Reporter Kurt Enkall
After the arguments, the tears, the controversy and the dire, unsuccessful solo career bids, the five, multi-millionaire members of the Spice Rats once again came together at a press conference today to announce a reunion tour, album, book, TV show, and a whole bunch of other useless merchandising crap.
It may not have felt it, but it’s been 10 short years since they split, and whilst tasteless pink-loving pre-pubescent rodent fans wailed in horror, the rest of the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Asked if the rumoured three million pound payday had motivated them, the rats were united in denying it was a factor: “No, no.” said Bubonic, “We’re doing it for the fans, and to because the world needs more Rat Power” - words that were invariably accompanied by a feeble crossed paws sign throughout the conference.
So would they do it for free then? “Uh… well… we still have bills to pay, and helicopters to run.. and stuff.. …..Did I mention Rat Power?” – another slightly less convincing crossed paws sign.
Prominent music critic Tom Bone was distraught: “They’ve had to take away all sharp objects from me. I’m gutted. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have lost faith in the industry, so I’m going to start farming essential oils in Luton. Is it time for my medication yet?”
Criticised in the past for miming, lip-synching, employing session singers and body doubles, and alleged use of electronic equipment to keep them squeaking in tune, the gullible public are being asked to forget it all and shell out for a new round of dull, unimaginative marketing hype all over again.
Mark my words: They’ll be huge. Again.
Rabbit says: I always sort of admired these girls, but I met Fat Rat at a garden party a couple of years ago, and when I offered her a nibble of my carrot, she just about took my paw off. Once bitten, twice shy.
After the arguments, the tears, the controversy and the dire, unsuccessful solo career bids, the five, multi-millionaire members of the Spice Rats once again came together at a press conference today to announce a reunion tour, album, book, TV show, and a whole bunch of other useless merchandising crap.
It may not have felt it, but it’s been 10 short years since they split, and whilst tasteless pink-loving pre-pubescent rodent fans wailed in horror, the rest of the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Asked if the rumoured three million pound payday had motivated them, the rats were united in denying it was a factor: “No, no.” said Bubonic, “We’re doing it for the fans, and to because the world needs more Rat Power” - words that were invariably accompanied by a feeble crossed paws sign throughout the conference.
So would they do it for free then? “Uh… well… we still have bills to pay, and helicopters to run.. and stuff.. …..Did I mention Rat Power?” – another slightly less convincing crossed paws sign.
Prominent music critic Tom Bone was distraught: “They’ve had to take away all sharp objects from me. I’m gutted. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have lost faith in the industry, so I’m going to start farming essential oils in Luton. Is it time for my medication yet?”
Criticised in the past for miming, lip-synching, employing session singers and body doubles, and alleged use of electronic equipment to keep them squeaking in tune, the gullible public are being asked to forget it all and shell out for a new round of dull, unimaginative marketing hype all over again.
Mark my words: They’ll be huge. Again.
Rabbit says: I always sort of admired these girls, but I met Fat Rat at a garden party a couple of years ago, and when I offered her a nibble of my carrot, she just about took my paw off. Once bitten, twice shy.
I wonder how much the t-shirts will be?
(o;3
2 comments:
I've got my soundproof headphones at the ready; many thanks for the warning.
This is an outrage! First ferrets aloud do head n shoulders adverts, then "all t'aints" and now this. my gerbil geri died 4 years ago and that's where these ex-ribald rancid rodents should remain!
yours,
Simon Cowell
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