Animal charity under threat from neo-con reactionaries

Newcastle, UK: Reporter Gisele Gazelle

A long running animal charity based in Newcastle is under imminent threat of closure as a three year long campaign of deranged ranting by the neo-conservative "Just Stop Doing Everything Now" pressure group escalates.

Animal Relate, a charitable organization, offers counselling and support for ostracised interspecies relationships, and has championed the cause of equal rights for odd couples throughout the northeast.

Spokesman Duncan Duckhugger explains, "These individuals have been picketing our premises, barracking our clients and fly-posting disturbing images in vets surgeries since 2004. They just don't seem to understand that love doesn't conform to species boundaries. A fox can love a giraffe, a cat can love a chicken. Anything goes really - and they don't always eat each other."

Such a pair are Tiddles and Roscoe - a Moggy and a Bulldog who were thrown together by their human carer 18 months ago. "At first I hissed and spit at him" says Tiddles, "but as I got to know him his bad breath and constant drooling seemed less important. I see the beautiful being under all the hair and mange. I do wish he'd stop licking his nuts though."

Roscoe was being taken for walkies and unavailable for comment.

"It violates the rule of nature" says Curt Squeezy, PR spokesman for the pressure group, "and we have employed entirely legal means to put our point across. That, together with the lynch mobs and petrol bombs - it's been highly effective."

He continues, "We will not rest until Dog lies with Bitch, Tom lies with Cat, and Brad and Jennifer get back together. It's how it should be."

The charity have approached the local Animal Court for a restraining order against the pressure group, but are pessimistic about the chances of success; "It's being heard by some bloke called Squeezy - and he's quite tough apparently."


Rabbit says: Nothing against this - but I just go for hot Bunny crumpet. At a push I wouldn't rule out a quinea pig though, if my current love life drought continues...