Police cutbacks: Animal units feel the bite

London, UK: Reporter Bunby Funbag

Further cost constraints affecting public services were unveiled yesterday, with controversial new proposals to curb the spiralling costs of police animals.

“I don’t think the public understand the costs involved in good animal husbandry. The food, accommodation, training, vets fees, choccy drops – it all adds up”, said DCI Edgar Grope of the Slumberside Police Animal Squad; “We think that these proposals will free up resources with minimal impact.”

Recognizing the increasing costs of maintaining a mounted force in urban areas, DCI Grope unveiled proposals to allow the current fleet of horses to be “run-down” and recycled into a range of high-end, revenue-generating adhesive products. “It could be a bit of a money spinner.”, Grope explained.

In their place, the Slumberside force unveiled detailed plans to provide local constabularies with leased “lifelike faux-equine facsimile suits” (pictured right) for essential police work at football matches and protests, for the purposes of public control. “Leasing is highly cost effective, although we hear there may be limited supply due to a high number of previous bookings from November to the beginning of February. Negotiations are ongoing.”

“Oh no they’re not.”, heckled an unconvinced large hairy reporter with four hooves, from the back of the press conference.

Ignoring this, Grope also unveiled plans to streamline the canine force.

“Many people are not aware of the physical capabilities of rabbits. We’ve been testing an elite group of rabbits in drug detection, track-and-search, and attack and containment, and we’ve been very surprised by the results. They’re cheaper to run and can fit on your lap - so we don't need big vans.”

When challenged about how vicious such trained rabbit were, Grope defended the move; “They’re highly effective animals. They can be trained to go straight for the jugular or for soft, fleshy parts on command. They get a little confused with soft, fleshy jugulars, but these are teething problems that can be overcome”

We will monitor the story as it unfolds..